Christmas break 2010

Of course,

its gotta be this guy's fault.

Thanksgiving break, anyone? Does anybody remember that?

Nobody was even sick or getting told there were tons of plans they hadn't heard about. AND, Its not like I didn't say "let me know if you want to hang tomorrow."

Phones go two ways.

Bicycles and their spokes

Moon rises.

Sun rises.

Cycles,
its obvious.

Lets not think that we have outgrown
such an old pair of shoes.

Alright -

Yesterday was my day to be down and out. It was my day to be worried and upset.

But lets be done with that, yah?

After all, I don't want anything to get in the way of drinking coffee on the back porch with dad.

One thing that someone told me,
I can't remember who it was.....
they said this.

"Your problems are a part of you, but they aren't you"

Haha -

I'm smiling,
waking up,
and being greeted by a day that shows a lot of promise.

What was I upset about, again?

A Hot Shower

Steam room
clear water
atrophied hair
warm blanket curtain

the truest things I know
are often the best medicine.

Wormtongue

Stop whispering in my ear,
and saying things that aren't true.

You lie, continually.
But you never leave.

Oh I can sew your mouth shut for a while,
a day.
a month.
a few years.

But you will always tear the thread from your lips,
rear your ugly head,
no matter how bloodied you might get.

And suck every ounce of life out of me.

You lie,
and you lie,
and you lie.
Convincing me without evidence or cause.

"The worrier's disease."

At least we both have it,
I suppose.

Strange, I think.
That it popped up today for the both of us.

I just wish
that my brain
would shut up.

Christmas

I went to Church today. The first time in over two years. The people who I made no attempt to contact were

happy, glad to see me. And, it wasn't fake happiness.

They didn't ask me if I'd lost the lord, or if I had gon astray. They asked me about school, my new girlfriend, and if I was happy to be home.

One woman in particular Gave me a huge hug and said "Mark! You're ALIVE!"

My whole family is over. My mom and sister have been cooking all afternoon,
Baking.
Roasting.
Slicing.
Rolling.

Everybody loved their gifts,
people looked happier than they have in a while.

An observation,
this is all I have to say.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow my Dad will be acting in a play he wrote.
He hasn't done so since the accident.
Today he couldn't remember what he bought Mom for Christmas,
or where she was,
or what he was doing.

I am terrified for him.

Dreams

I had just joined Big Brother Big Sister. There was a little kid, I don't remember his name, and I was supposed to go to school with him to see if he was Okay. I remember the school was heavily decorated for Christmas. There were lights everywhere, huge wooden nutcrackers, and there was Christmas music playing. I turned to the boy and asked him where the bathroom was, and he pointed down the hall. I walked for what seemed like hours and suddenly realized I was in a mall. There were stores everywhere that I didn't recognize, and a daycare that was made of swinging cribs that hung from the ceiling. I still really had to use the bathroom. All of a sudden my friend was with me and we found the bathroom, although we had to go outside in the snow to get to the adjacent building where it was. I let him go first, trying to be polite since it was only a single person restroom. From outside it sounded terrible. I almost vomited. Then once he came out another guy snuck in past me and I had to wait for him. I left in anger and wanted to find somewhere else to use the bathroom. As I was walking down the street (by myself, the friend was gone), I came to a roundabout. It was in a heavily wooded area and there was no crosswalk, but I really wanted to get across. It was empty, except every few minutes a single car would flash by at a deafening speed. I was terrified. Finally I got the courage to run across, but I almost got hit.
I found myself in an Airplane. All of the stewardesses were all wearing lingerie and were very friendly. I remember that while I was certainly more than okay with the beautiful women, I was a bit suspicious of their intentions. All of a sudden the plane started to fall out of the sky and people started jumping out. Instead of parachutes they had parasols...and they obviously all died. Once the plane was low enough to the ground I jumped out and survived. I found myself in a feudal era Japanese camp. I didn't know how to speak Japanese, but then all of a sudden they were ancient Celts. They invited me to join their clan, but first I had to be bitten by a beast in the sea. We all went out into the water and there was a low built wall, with a face carved into it and it had spear heads for teeth. I put my head inside and it clamped down on my shoulder and neck. I screamed in agony but then the face released. All of the Celts started to chant -

"You have survived the beast,
You are now immortal!"

They carried me triumphantly back to the camp, which had turned into a small run down house. I realized that my iPod had been in my pocket and that it was now probably ruined. I put it in front of a fan and it worked fine.

I woke up.

Going for a walk

My skin is a stage -
old newspapers with hands
in their pockets,
words hidden in
the creases.
Snow,
you who hold no identity..
or perhaps you are every man,
created as you are seen.

Snaphsots -

I don't have a camera, strangely enough. Ok...well my phone doesn't count.

I have no idea how to express my thoughts right now,
but I logged on in hopes that I could.

They aren't bad.
....Why the disclaimer?

Its simply this -
It is entirely important to remember, in the deepest part of your bones, the truest moments in your life.

Because the mind is a phantom,
a beautiful and haunting apparition
that leaves me wondering what on earth I am doing.

This time, I'm not sinking in.
This time I'm telling myself the truth.

It's a beautiful December.

10 hours

I'll be honest. There is something sadistic inside of my that takes great pride in waking up at 5:45 in the morning to go to work.

Becoming one of the slow moving 'bleary eyes' to shuffle through Circle K is strangely satisfying. Its a comical camaraderie, when every one stands in line and expresses good mornings before the sun comes up.

And even though ten hours is a long shift, I enjoy it in a way. Not fully, but part of me is proud that I'm not sitting on my ass, mooching money off of my parents and wasting time.

It might not be a great job,
it sure isn't glamorous..
but I'm treated well.
and it's work.
and it's mine.
And it means that I can take pride in myself.

Copper Moon

Phantoms in the forest -
I saw them once,
or twice.
I was lying on the grass
with only your breath to keep
me warm.
A spot of golden
clay in the sky,
and all who saw spoke -
only You and I,
this once,
could hear it.


The birds fly slower,
and the lights go dim,
and I can see the first flake of snow,
each drop of rain explode
on the sidewalk.
Each moment then becomes an eternity,
and I can appreciate it as a lifetime.
Beauty in each instant.


This was perhaps one of the most beautiful moments in my life,

Most of all, I'm glad that I could share it with you.

Sleep well :)

None at all -

No regret in what I said. It felt right, and I'm learning to let my heart guide my actions these days.

I could have waiting, but then why?

No regret in what I said.
Not even a little bit.
None at all.

I opened my door this morning, inviting the cold air to step in for a moment.
The snow trailed in with her and not all the birds were sleeping.

Fox is curled up somewhere,
dormant,
a dull blaze.

I will be building an altar today,
for Yule,
For gladness and cold,
a stepping stone to Beltane.

The earth is beautiful
as its eyelashes
drop
into sleep.

Day two

1. I Try every day to notice the small, pure joys in life. Rushing wind, moving water, saying something nice to someone, etc. I feel like the most beautiful things in life are free.

2. I honor my ancestors through prayer. I truly believe that they are with me, and that they are a part of my every action and thought.

3. I am terrified of becoming a failure. I try to be the best I can, for my sake.

4. I love music from the south, especially old "Appalachian" music, as I call it.

5. I have taken courses in Spanish, Chinese, and French, yet I still hold no proficiency in any language other than English.

6. I lived in France for three months. It was perfect.

7. I am attracted to both men and women. Some people don't believe me, or think I'm making it up to be 'cool'. Why would I do that?

8. I desperately want to move away from Arizona, even thought I love it here (mostly).

9. I truly believe the zombie apocalypse could happen.

And so, there was day two.

So, this is day one.

1. When I nearly lost you on the 60 West, I nearly lost myself. I hate that you were thrown across the freeway by a careless asshole who thought only of himself. I hate that you will forever hold scars that remind us all of selfishness, greed, and fear. But I love that our family pulled together, became stronger, and overcame everything.
2. I am so proud that you are my mother. You can be tenaciously stubborn, but that has been the saving grace for our family for so long. When Dad was in the hospital it was YOU who fought for him, demanded the best care, and quoted Arizona law to the doctors who you caught cutting corners. Without your presence I know for a fact that our family would have fallen apart. Thank you for not leaving dad after his accident, and for loving him the same. If the two of you hadn't lasted, I might have lost faith in love all together.
3. Growing up with you was such an adventure. I miss you terribly sometimes, when I'm alone and I think about how we would play games in the backyard together and how we always had fun. Our arguments have been few and far between. Its funny, you're two years older than me and yet I have always seen you as my little sister. You're all grown up now. Married and working at a preschool. I'm looking forward to seeing you this Christmas.
4. I wish I hadn't made you into a non entity. But I feel like it was the only way I could heal at the time, the only way I could go on. And from that I have learned so much to be my own person, so that in the future I won't feel that way. From you I learned how dangerous it is to base yourself on someone, and how important it is to be my own person. To be Mark. While truly don't miss being with you, and I am so happy where I am now, I will miss having you as a friend. The only person to blame for that is myself.
5. It hurts me when I realize how little faith you have in our friendship. I have been your best friend since we were little. We have gone through so much, and yet it seems that now your belief that I will forget you is forcing it to happen. Yes, I have a new girlfriend. But in no way does she replace you.
6. I am so glad you came to visit! Recording music with you is so fun, even if my brain starts to hurt after a few hours. I love that we connect on music, you're the only other person I know who loves metal as much as I do. I also appreciate that you and I can talk about religion, politics, philosophy.... and also tits. You're one of my best friends for a reason. Thanks, guy.
7. You want to know why we don't hang out with each other anymore? While I care about you deeply, I feel like you see me as an emotional dumpster. Whenever we hang out you just complain and complain, whining about how terrible your life is. And yes, your life is very hard. I would never belittle your hardships, they are very real and I understand that. But at some point you must choose to be better, choose to be happy. The world owes you nothing, so you have to find that happiness within yourself. You are a beautiful person, and you need to learn to see that.
8. Your life is so much better than you realize. Your boyfriend loves you so much, and all of your friends care about you more than you know. I feel like I have given you too much in the past, and so if it seems that I'm becoming distant its only because I know you can do this on your own. You don't need me to baby you. You have so much potential, and I wish you could see that.
9. You thrive on hurting others, and you take joy in saying hateful things. You put on a pretty, innocent mask and then you betray everyone around you. You disappear from people's lives when they become inconvenient, and you have no sadness in respect to the way you treat others. I think its a bold statement to say that anyone is a horrible person, but you might be the closest I've met.
10. I have no idea what I did right to be with you. But know that you are such a blessing, and every moment I spend with you fulfills a part of my being that I hadn't known before. I love hearing you speak, learning from you, and simply being a part of your life. Know that there are moments when I am completely and utterly in awe of you; only your voice has rivaled the beauty of the wind through aspen leaves. I know, I am well aware of the risks involved in falling for you so quickly. But I also understand that this is the only life that I get, that I might die at any moment, and I do not want to lead a life in which I didn't Live. There are things I want to say that I also choose not to say. They are all good, I assure you. Thank you for being yourself, for being you.



And that was Day one.

Photos

Paper grass, dry wind -
smell of crushed seeds in my hand.
Origami eyes.

Thinking about switching -

thinking about switching to another blog website. Here is why.

As far as I know in blogger, you can't embed videos. Or music. Or anything like that, really.

Sometimes I want to update, but I don't have anything to say.

I often speak without saying a word,
empty cans
and tumbleweeds -

Well... That was over dramatic.

The world feels like a very beautiful place today.

I'm not sure why. Maybe its because one of my best friends might be coming up to visit later today, or maybe its because I just finished one of my finals.

I don't know.

But sometimes its best not to question happiness,
once you've chosen it you might as well not
question its arrival.

And its a peaceful thing,
to realize that no matter what
This particular run-through
is precious.

Behind the Vines

Behind the vines
and these eyes are tired -
but content
and at peace.

the earth looks younger
and I have felt it,
as each
word
fell.

The old man is moving

"Moving sale!"

Solid wood furniture
Full mattress with box spring and sheets
bamboo end tables

.50 - $10.00


--

The old man is moving.

In my four months of living here, I couldn't help but become comfortable with him being here. He lives just below and two apartments over. Smoking a cigarette, patting his dog's head, all while under a copper cross and behind the lush red blossoms of his potted plants.

He lives only with his dog. No wife, no children, no friends that I know of. He is always there, on his porch.

I'm sad to see him go. We never spoke. Never waved. Never acknowledged each other.

But we both sat outside, stared at the night sky, and breathed the air.

I like to think that he is going somewhere better. Maybe he has found love in someone, and they are moving in together. Maybe he got a job overseas, and is about to start an adventure in another country. Maybe he just patched things up with his son, and is moving back to his home town. Maybe he and his wife have made amends, and he is hurrying back to the face he had almost forgotten.

Someday I will come out to my porch, and he will not be there. His dog will not be lazily sniffing the plants.

But I will be there. Sitting on the porch. Looking at the night sky. Breathing the air.

You are most honest as you wake up

It is morning.

My fan is the most tenacious beast
I have ever met,
doing its job until
the motor
burns
out.

My skin, unguarded..
rough and bumpy terrain
across my arms and chest
as the cold air kisses me awake.

You who are First Light,
the Gray Morning Sun,

I haven't felt pagan
in so long.

Gaaah

I really can't stand this guy's attitude..

Today at work my friend was talking about how she wishes she could work the 27th, but the shop is closed. All she said was,

"It just kinda sucks since I don't celebrate Christmas, and I never have."

One of the full time workers did NOT like this. He started telling her how she should be grateful, and glad she gets the day off,and how she was being a hypocrite because in the future she would gladly take Christmas itself off, because he obviously knows what decisions she is going to make.

After a while of hearing him puke ignorance from his "moral" high horse, I tried to explain to him what she meant. I didn't really get much of a chance to speak though. He said something to the affect of

"Well you celebrate Christmas...what are you complaining about?"

Truth be told, I DON'T celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Yule, which is very similar. I'll hang out at my friends Christmas parties, but Christmas isn't something I really celebrate. Its not that I wouldn't, I just don't.

But what I was complaining about was his bad attitude, his disrespectful nature, and his unwillingness to acknowledge that some of us want to get an extra ten hours on our paycheck, seeing as how the 27th and the 25th are not the same day.

Of course, this is the same guy who told us how lazy we are, and then proceeded to sit and breath heavily at the break table while the rest of us cleaned out six or seven roller set-ups. Not to mention he randomly disappears for whole shifts and then conveniently shows up when its time to leave.

so....the students who are wanting an extra ten hour day are the lazy ones and you, who have literally slept on the job, are not?

Your logic seems flawed, sir. flawed indeed.

-

I had something planned to write for today -

but its not what I want to write anymore.
It wasn't bad,
just less interesting.

I loved every word you said tonight -
though my tired midnight mind can't begin to explain it.
It was beautiful,
entirely.
And 'beautiful' is a very vast word.

My bed is wider than I had remembered,
and the room is a bit quieter than I thought.
And even though it hasn't lost its beauty,
and I am so glad to lay down to sleep...
I'll be happy when you can return
and I can drift to sleep
with you resting
beside me.

I am doing,
simply -
this gear
a facet
a chain
a sprocket.

Where are your eyes,
oldest earth mother?

I think
its time
to get
into my
car.

The road tells you things
that nobody else can -

Drums

They awaken something within me.

Something deep
and dark,
pagan.

I'm alive,
I'm alive.
Sweet soil,
I am alive.




P.S.

Becca, Glenn, Gean and I were downtown tonight. I took this picture for you, since you were at work. So, yes :)

Tonight -

You make me feel things that I thought were lost,
that I thought I had buried and left.

caring about someone,
like this -
I thought I had forgotten.

Thank you,
for bringing a happiness
I didn't think could return -

I repeat myself, and say the same thing over and over again.

The first fallen leaf of autumn,
sunlight through Aspen trees,
The first blossom to open in spring,
a line of perfectly written poetry -

You are beautiful
in every way.

Refusal

I will not be that man.

The one who looks back and wishes he had tried harder,
who wishes he had taken education more seriously.

I will not stumble while everybody runs off,
starts careers and families,
all while I sit and watch.

I'm horrible at school.
I am.

But if it means that I have to be in college for a few more years,
so be it.

I'll redo classes,
I'll be full time over the summer.

It's a horrible feeling,
failing yourself
and others.

I won't do it.

I won't be the guy who just couldn't quite make it,
while everybody lives out their dreams..

I will succeed.
I will (somehow) figure out how to do better in school.
I will have a family,
and travel the world,
and enjoy life.

-

Roll with it, brother.

Your mind runs too fast and your thoughts are
the author of half-truths.

Sleep a little,
dance a little -

your guitar is going nowhere.

````````

Anyways.


November has seen thirty six posts,

and has been by far one of the most tumultuous months I can remember.

There has been a whole lot of bad,
and a whole lot of good.

Leading into winter,
into break,
into work weeks and who knows
what will arrive
with the snow

C'est un mystère.

I can only hope that I will continue to see each breath I take as precious -

Its a choice, brother.

And your guitar
is going
nowhere.

Cold

Crow tracks in the snow,
needles and branches encased in crystals,
a blueprint of the most immediate history.

I see no reason to hate Winter.

Forward

I couldn't help it.

The whole time I was writing my research paper I was thinking of all the ways I could make "better" use of my time. For example,

Playing the dulcimer
Playing the guitar
Spending time with people I care about
Walking (Yes, its cold. But a little hardship teaches a lot)
Writing a poem

But really, the best possible use of my time was in fact writing the paper.

Ok -
I'll admit it.

I have a few serious personality flaws. I won't go into them, but they do exist.

I think a lot of us are afraid of our personality flaws, and we refuse to see them...maybe thinking that acknowledging them will make them more real.

One of my many personality flaws is seeing the long term use of things. For example, there is no immediate benefit of writing a term paper. But in the long run, I know that it is definitely within my best interest.

I need to find the harmony between work, school, and doing the things I love. After all, if I don't take care of my responsibilities then the things I love will drift away, slowly but surely.

There is just so much I want to do that I can't do because of school and work. But, without an education and a good job I won't be able to do anything on my list.

I don't ever want to say
"Well, I just didn't quite make it"

I don't ever want to live with regret.

So far, I don't have any regret in my life.

I have had them before, but after wasting away and letting life pass me by, I realized that allowing myself to feel regret only makes more and more regret pile on.

how many times can I say "regret"?
Good lord. Redundant, eh?

Anyways -

That's all for tonight.

The Start

of something I didn't think would happen,
of something I thought was completely myth.

Happiness is such a big, complex word -
but you make me feel it
especially when I'm with you


You are fantastic,
inspiring,
fun,
beautiful,
smart,

and I am so happy to be with you :)

White wall

I am by no means a photographer

A bird with a crimson throat

A plank of wood at the bottom of a well,
green and molded -
half submerged.

Burnt boxes,
A highway overpass.

Maybe the reason we can't find perfection
is because we try so hard to create it.
Is it possible that to find such beauty,
all we have to do is realize that it exists
in the first place?

Perhaps beauty, passion, and joy are older than we are -
and they are as innately human as the wind,
or a stream...
not 'human' at all.

Completely tangible,
but in no way ours.

One thing is for sure,
I am willing to see
that such moments are perfect.

Displacement

I know exactly what you mean.

Well, maybe I don't. But I can tell you my experience and hopefully that will help you feel a bit better.

Anyways, I'll start typing....
...
.....now.


Its really strange, this stage in life. Its like being between asleep and waking up -
where the dreams you were having are still as real as before but the colors have seemed to dim,
and you're aware of the time.

I know what you mean, not feeling like you have a home. I felt like that for the last year I was in the dorms, which is why I so desperately had to get out. On the one hand, Tempe was still my home. But Really, going back caused me to see how everything had changed. My old room was a storage space, The old pictures in the hallway were different, it wasn't home anymore. And sharing a small dorm with someone, I found it incredibly hard to find a sense of home when nothing but my possessions were truly mine.

The fear of becoming a boring, lonely adult still grips me from time to time. I hate to hear myself talk about bills, gas prices, insurance, loans, and work. Not because any of it is difficult or scary (Well, the loans are a bit frightening), but because I remember how foreign those things sounded to me when I was Young. Hearing them makes me feel a bit foreign to myself, to the child still awake inside of me.

So anyways, I know what you mean. I'm not really in that place anymore, of being in between. I think it is different for everyone, getting out. But I can tell you what I did.

I Decided to grow up,
but I refused to be an adult.

Ever since I was young the word adult carried such a stale connotation. It was all of the boring stuff that is part of the adventure of growing up. I guess what I mean is I decided to become responsible, capable, and honorable; all of the things that are important in becoming a man. But I refused to give up my passion, my joy, and my love of simplicity.

I do believe that so much of happiness is a choice. For me, that means choosing to see things like a child sometimes. Here is a small list of things I go out of my way to notice.

The first shoots off grass growing in spring
the smell of burning wood
Cool action figures in the toy section of Walgreen's
How carpet feels on bare feet
The first few seconds of stepping into a hot shower (the best part)
The sound wind makes when you're around pine trees
An amazing person in an unlikely place (Most recently Jadis at Waffle House)
The Sacredness of interaction between people. Romantic and friendship.
Interesting Bugs


These sorts of things are what keep me feeling the magic of being a child.

For me, is so important to care about things. To go through life noticing that every inch of existence is so truly a miracle.

You're so right, treating every day like a holiday.
Everyday is definitely worth celebrating.

Anyways,
I don't know if any of this helped. I hope it did :)

Old songs

I was sitting on the couch.

My father was playing his new guitar,
a new song he had written.

It was beautiful,
but ragged.

His hands don't work the same way they used too.

But then -
his eyes closed,
and his head bowed.

Something he had written before
came creeping out -

The air became soft
and his face held no strain.

I had my father back,
but for a moment.

Waffles, Guitars, and Transgender

GRAAAAGH!!!

that was a good yell.

Tonight was so much fun. Honestly, your Christmas gift is turning out to be so amazing. You have no idea how excited I am to give it to you. Gah! I can't wait to see your face.

How fortunate is it that one of my best buds has a studio?

One minute I'm saying, "Yeah, this is basically what I was thinking"

And then the next thing I know we're harmonizing,coming up with amazing riffs, and really creating music.

"The next big thing in music is actually doing it" - Tim Eriksen.

Anyways -

After the studio we ended up at The Waffle House. We ended met a woman who was transgendered. Born a man, now a woman. She had so much amazing insight and was so excited to be herself. It made me happy to see her, wearing her transgender pin, willing to answer any questions that Nico or I had. From what she said, she did a lot of it herself! Long story short, Nico is going to see if she can speak in his gender studies class.

Some of the best memories are made with bleary eyes and tired heads,
when you stumble into a place where nobody would go,
and give it a chance.
Experience it.

I have very few concrete beliefs. I am very willing to let my views evolve, change, and adapt. But one thing is for sure -

I will not live a mediocre life. I won't just settle.

Every moment is so precious,
so valuable.
Why would I waste it simply existing
when I could be living?

Gah!

it's three in the morning,

and life has been treating me so, so well.

Walking -

I walked with my dad today. We went all around our neighborhood and talked about the usual stuff.

Motorcycles,
Religion,
Mom's health,
etc.

After a short time I dropped him off, but kept going.

There were people out on their front yards,
there was laughter coming out of open windows -

The entire neighborhood was a rich blend of wood smoke and home cooking.

Partway down the road, a cat walked out. I sat on the sidewalk with it for a while, and it followed me when I continued on.

Why is my writing so boring these days?

Its just a list of events.

Well, just believe me when I saw it was very, very beautiful.

Anyways.

Since today is Thanksgiving:

I'm thankful for so many things. That I have food, clothes, a job, and that I can go to school. So many people have few or none of those things. I am intensely aware of how fortunate I am.

I'm thankful for my family. We have gone through a lot of terrible things, but somehow we manage to continue loving each other. I'm thankful that my mom stayed with my dad after his accident, and I'm so thankful that my dad is still alive.

Of course, I'm thankful for you. You are so great in so many ways. I always have fun with you, no matter what we're doing. You make me laugh, and I appreciate you greatly. I am very fortunate to have you. I'm thankful for all of that :)

I'm thankful for my friends. I don't think I would be the same person at all had I never known any of you, and I'm very proud of who I am. You have all been there when I truly needed you, and forgiven me when I did not so the same in turn. You're true friends.

Tradition

These days my family is traditionless.

There are no more thanksgiving dinners, and the decorations for Christmas dwindle each year.

Halloween is, and always has been, a non entity.

We do not sit on the back porch each Saturday morning as we used to.
But again, my sister and I have moved away.

So much of life takes from living,
and strangles out tradition.

My parents are aging,
and my sister and I are gone.

My aunt and uncle live almost an hour away,

and there are no other Garretts on this half of the country.

It makes me ache, slightly.

And these walls are slowly becoming foreign,
this house is less and less permanent with each visit.

Its all growing up, I presume.

But one day, when I have a family of my own, we won't be traditionless.

My children will be raised in a way where tradition is integral,
imperative.

They'll feel the magic of Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Halloween? We're going to go insane on Halloween to make up for all the times I missed out on.

There will also be the pagan traditions,
we'll celebrate the seasons and our ancestors.

And then whichever religion their mother, who ever that may be, is -
those traditions will carry in also.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuIedgs5tdE&feature=related

That is all.

Tempe

Indeed.

Very good to be home.

Already I'm hanging out with the parents, wasting time watching old tv shows we used to wait all week for :)

Its good to see my parents. Its always a little painful to see my Dad, in a way. But even with his scars he is the same man I always knew, and I love him.

Of course Nico has to work Friday. I'm really looking forward to another fighter practice, and maybe a bit of hoegaarden, haha.

Anyways, this particular entry is bland -
unsalted,
static under a fluorescent light.

It's all true, but for some reason my writing abilities have been spent.

Well, except for that Haiku I wrote for you today,
I was pretty proud of that one.

Yes indeed -
I'll be missing you for sure,
I already do, to be honest :)

But As I've said, I have been looking forward to being here in Tempe for a while.
After all -
seeing Nico and Ricky always means a great time.

Besides,
Sunday is only a short ways away.

Dream Last Night

I had left my boots somewhere.

I walked down route 66 until I found a small alleyway. It was small and winding. The path was cobblestone and there were small cafes lining the walkway. There were lots of people, but it wasn't crowded or loud. Everybody was speaking. I mean, they weren't just flapping their jaws mindlessly, they were speaking. Each person was engaged in the other and there was actual communication going on. The sun was in the middle of the sky, casting light down through bouganvilla plants that hung from the windows of rooftop apartments.

I was very happy.

I was interrupted by something cold touching my hand. I looked down and saw an enormous golden retriever sniffing my hand. He growled and gave a bark. I knew he was protecting this place, and rightly so. I knelt down and scratched his ears, saying

"I'd do the same, guy. I'd do the same. I'm just in and out, promise."

He licked my nose, and then trotted away. I loved that dog.

I took my first steps down the alley. Sun trickled down on my skin like the last few moments of a rainstorm, when all the violence is lost and the birds start flying again. Soft jazz and big band music meandered out from the shops and restaurants, from patios where happy people sipped wine and coffee while caring for the person across from them.

I almost decided to never leave, but then I remembered my promise to the dog. And I knew I had to go once I had done what I needed to do.

I saw the golden retriever curled up beside a music shop. He was a massive rusted orange guard, but I knew he would let me in. As I stepped into the shop, the smell of hand carved wood slid slowly over me like a blanket. Sweet cedar and oak made the shop feel like autumn, and the circular windows carved from the same windows continued to bring the sun down to my face.

The walls were lined with instruments, all acoustic. Guitars, lutes, violins, Violas, fiddles, cellos, dulcimers, and many other things I didn't recognize. But the most beautiful of them was on a table in front of an old man. It was a dulcimer, in the process of being made. The body was carved, but unsanded and unpolished. carving tools and saw dust littered the table where it sat, golden orb tuning pegs sat quietly in a small glass bowl. The old man was leaned back in a chair, eating a sandwich and drinking some tea. his beard was thick and white, save two streaks of pepper black that ran down from his mustache. I spoke.

"Sir, I -"
"Eh? Oh! Yer shoes. Well...yeahp. they're over there."

He gave a nod over his shoulder.

I walked over and there they were, looking the same as always.

Torn leather and paint stains. Some rough spots, others rubbed smooth. Frayed laces and green interior. I pulled them on, laced them up, and noticed how they felt the same as always.

I woke up.

Well, to answer your question -

How can a guy like me see you as special?

You stop to enjoy light shining off of snow,
and to feel it crunch under foot.
You care so much about the things you love,
and you understand what it means to be passionate about living -
and you understand that living is a miracle.
I've told you so much about myself,
both good and bad -
and still you see me the same.
I find myself always looking forward to when I get to see you again,
to seeing your face and hearing your voice.

So....yes.

those are some reasons why I think you're great :)

Snow

Snow is beautiful.

I was dreading it, but now that its here I'm so glad.

Even the night sky had color -

Today was intensely perfect.

Thank you, just for being who you are.

I feel like I can do no wrong around you, like everything I say is the right thing. And when I make you smile

yeah :)

its like falling and flying and standing perfectly still all at the same time

Its wonderful to have someone to be so excited about,
and someone who is excited about me.

I won't forget it.

It will be one of those memories I take out and look at from time to time.
because as life goes on I'll get older,
and more tired.
But the memory of holding your hand,
and both of us being dangerously close to drifting off to sleep -
that memory is timeless.

Papers, Dulcimers, and...Bollywood?

I think I seriously overestimated the difficulty this paper would propose. I've been working for only an hour and I'm nearly half way through. It makes sense though. Having practiced paganism for three years now, its an issue I've certainly given a lot of thought.

But -
anyways.

I'm giving myself a 10-15 minute break every hour, so that's what this is.

bah! Why am I talking about school when I'm on break? Terrible.

/Change Subject

You know what I love? Hammered Dulcimers. They sound really different from my dulcimer, which has four strings and is really quite simple. Hammered Dulcimers have, well a ton of strings. The cool thing is that they are found in a lot of cultures. You hear them in Chinese, Japanese, and European Music. I'm sure a lot of cultures have them.

Its strange how sometimes when I'm playing my normal dulcimer, I feel like I'm speaking. Not often, but sometimes instruments speak for us. After all, words tend to fall short.

Anyways, here is a video of a hammered dulcimer being played. I can't embed videos using blogspot (or at least, I don't know how) so here is a link.

Trust me, its very cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxjpYHhfRyI




And this is completely unrelated. Its a scene from Devdas, one of the few yet growing number of musicals I enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9oeBzNBIso



alright. back to work.

-> Playlist

So one CD turned into three,

turned into five,

turned into ten.

I'm really going to have to narrow it down a bit, or else you'll have a music overload I'm sure.

But its all so good!

Anyways, time to stop writing in a column. This isn't a poem, although I wish it was.

I haven't written poetry, actual poetry, in almost a month. Its beginning to wear on me.

Anyhow, if I'm going to make any of these CDs then I'm going to have to buy something to burn them onto.

I'm really enjoying how we are sharing all of these things that we enjoy with each other - its a wonderful and strange thing to have this much in common with someone.

I feel very lucky to have you, too :)
And that's no lie.

Shabbat Shalom

Celebrating Shabbat was definitely one of my favorite experiences in a while. It was a mixture of so many things.

First, in some ways it was eerily similar to how some Adventists celebrate the coming of the Sabbath. Sometimes they call it vespers, although throughout Christian denominations the usage of vespers sees some variation.

Anyway, When the Rabbi told the story of Jacob wrestling with the angel, I was practically transported to a vespers service where the same story was told, for the same purpose. There were other things too, but that was what stuck out the most.

It was also completely alien to me, and I loved it. When the Rabbi read out of what I assume was the Torah, it was so beautiful. It was like he was singing and speaking at the same time. I'd never heard Hebrew before, and it is a distinct and great sounding language. Or, at least when he spoke it.

Also, gefilte fish is damned delicious. The one piece I had only made me want a whole plate of it.

Anyways -

You liked Nell!

I'm fuckin stoked about that, seeing as how its one of my favorite movies of all time. I'm importing the CD you made for me onto my computer as I type this very blog. Yes, this very blog!

I'll probably listen to it tomorrow as I work on my paper.

Gah. Lets not think about that.

I had so much fun with you tonight. I had so much fun with the whole thing.

I'm definitely looking forward to quarantine and dinner on Sunday.

Anyway,

I'm barely able to keep my eyes open. So on that note, goodnight.

I hope you sleep well :)

Coded

How did you type in IPA?
I'm sure there will be plenty of errors.

I'm pretty much a really lucky guy.


By far, you are one of the most fun people. ever.

You are, indeed, quite fantastic :)

Anyways,

bedtime for this boring blogger.

goodnight!

Haiku, you never fail me.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm lucky enough for you to be interested in me,
but I am -
and its one of those things I'm not going to question, really.

I'm terrible at writing things literally.

First frost of autumn,
sweet smoke from red-door houses.
four steps through old leaves.

There,
that's much better.

I'm glad I make you smile :)

Frost

This morning is the first frost I've been awake for.

I walked to Safeway this morning to pick up a few things. Walking feels different depending on the time of day. This morning it was the earth pounding back my footsteps,
saying

"Be calm. Be still"

I don't know if I believe the earth of be a conscious being, but I can see why people have referred to her as mother.

The frost on my handrails reminded me of flying over the Atlantic on my way to England, many years back. The frost was cracked and rigid, like the ice sheets that sat on the water's surface.

I remember on that ten hour flight, I lost any and every source of measure to help remind me of the concept of time. One minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like only seconds. Movies in the cabin were always on repeat, flight attendants walked by quietly as I sat.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this. But, why does this entry have to go anywhere?

No, we'll just let it breathe on its own.

Sometimes when my brain is smush I write like this

I have no idea where this academic monstrosity came from, but it punched me in the grill with homework.

But you know what, I didn't take out all of those loans to sit on my butt, and hearing sciences is interesting enough.

Really though, if someone was to sit and think about how it is that the human auditory system works, it would blow their mind.

One thing that is interesting is that if you really think about it, we don't know what anything really sounds like. Sure, Our brains have a way of perceiving that sound, but that's after it changes from acoustic energy to vibrations being propagated through liquid in our ears, then to chemicals being fired off in our brains.

......braaaaaiiiinnnnsss

Sorry.

I've noticed that my entries have lost all poetic edge. This is probably due to all the school junk I'm writing.

"..due to.."? This isn't an essay, guy.

Anyways, I think I'm going to light a candle on my Ganesh shrine. Do I believe in Ganesh? not really. It just seems like a nice thing to do.

And besides, with all this studying going on I might as well give it a try.

By the way -

So, just as a little side note -


I really just sorta kinda definitely like you, too. 这不是一个笑话 (<-- Means, 'no joke')

I like the way that no matter whet you're talking about, I'm stuck on every word. Everything you say is fascinating, and you're one of the few people who can follow my odd and random sense of humor. A lot of people just talk, you say things. And I like the way you laugh, especially at the things most people don't think are very funny but are in fact, tremendously hilarious.

Not to mention, we actually talked about language. Dialect, accents, articulation - yeah. that was awesome :)

I certainly don't feel like I have to be false, or put on an image. You seem to like me for me, and that's a rare thing.

Also, I must add, that you are very beautiful :)
I'm not sure if it makes you uncomfortable when I say that, so I'll just leave it there.

I have to study now. Rather not, but I have to. Hopefully the library doesn't suck my brain dry.

Hopefully when I finish all of this junk we can actually hang out, lunch is fun but we're always so rushed. Besides, I promised I'd give Buffy a shot, yah?

Alright. Time to go to study town.

Established: 15 minutes from now.
Population: This guy

So confidence does indeed pay off

I'm still wondering how I was brave enough,
bold enough,
to say anything I did.

But I'm glad I did.

I'm not sure where this all will go -
but I'm ok with that.


All I know is that today,
right now,
I'm feeling pretty good.

Great, even.

Sleep time,
because I have a lot to do tomorrow.

P.S.

You're pretty great, by the way ;)

Night Walk

I'm going on one,
so what if its almost eleven at night?

Its cold,
maybe too cold to go out.

But sometimes its better,
when the sharp wind pushes against your face
as the earth yells
"Wake up! Wake up!"

I can't make the absence of Sun synonymous with negativity,

she is old,
she is dark,
she is quiet,
she is night.

Lets

Lets hope I don't fuck this one up.

I have the tendency to fall out of people's interest rather quickly,
hope it doesn't happen this time.

Anyways,
nights tend to bring negative thoughts.

most of which tend to be unfounded, and downright silly.

Its simply this,
I tend to get boring fairly quickly.

I'm not sure why that is, but I often do.

Gah -

time for tomorrow.

Today

Today is a very good day. Yes indeed, yes indeed.

You know its strange, how normally I feel so uneasy when I have nothing to go off of. But today, when nearly everything is a question or an uncertainty, I can't deny that I feel better and more motivated than usual.

I don't think its what people would assume - see I have come to realize how fine I am on my own, in my awesome apartment and with my dulcimer and my guitar (Which I need to restring). But at the same time its great when someone gets it, since not so many do.

And its strange how its impossible to know what to think, exactly. But this time around I'm just going to be myself, I suppose. After all, it seems like its been working pretty well so far.

And by the way,
have faith in yourself.
You're a lot more amazing than I think you realize.

anger

Are you serious?

I mean, really. Are you fucking serious? Could you just, not be involved with anything or anyone that I'm interested in? That would be lovely.

And by the way, fuck off.

You made it very clear that you didn't want to see me anymore,
so I'd really be fine to forget that you exist.

Lets try to make that happen.

Academics

Sometimes I wonder why I'm going to college. I won't say its a waste of time, or that its a waste of money. It might be, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Most of what I find classes doing is making me hate the subject matter. You know, I won't even say that its the institution's fault. Perhaps it is, but that's another subject entirely. I also see the vast importance of education and the great things it has done throughout human evolution.

Its just that where other people see tangibility, structure, and explanation resulting from academia I see rules, barriers, compartments, and so on.

I don't know why, exactly. I guess its just an example of differant ways of looking at things.

You could have one person look at a small statue. That person might read about it, see what its made out of, learn about the artist, the context of the culture it was made in.

Another person might touch it, feel the texture, look at the curves and grooves where someones tool used to be, they might even smell it to bring in the scent of the cool moss growing on it.

I'm not sure if either of these people knows more than the other. And I also don't know why in my mind both don't coexist. Its just that one feels like a job whereas the other feels like an experience. I'm sure that sentence is only going to make sense to me. I mean a job is an experience...but that's beside the point.

Here's an example. All of my life, I have refused to take guitar lessons. When I was a child my parents offered them to me, but I adamantly said no. It wasn't that I thought, or even that I still think, that the academic side of music is wrong or incorrect. I think it means a lot to many people. But for me, I knew I would start hating the guitar if I took lessons. A few things are sure, had I taken the offer I would be a technically better guitar player today. But I also feel like I would have been a more soulless guitar player. I don't know what a C chord, a B chord, or an E chord is. But I know what different combinations of notes feels like, and I know I would lose that if I took lessons.

I had that same experience with martial arts. I loved kung-fu. But the more in depth I got into lessons the more I started to resent it. The same thing almost happened with sword fighting,but instead of lessons my friends and I taught ourselves. Nobody guided or instructed us. Now I know that logically people would think that there's no way I could have turned into a good fighter. But I will say that both my friend and I are members of one of the best combat groups within the medieval reenactment society we participate in.

This really speaks to my own downfall, however. I wish I didn't have this unconscious loathing of being told how to learn, but I do.

So I'll leave it at that, for now.
besides, I like feeling far more than knowing.

you know how it is when you write while asleep

This is the second time I've written this blog.
Bear in mind that this rewrite is at 2:30 am.

The first time through, I talked about how the idea of god has started making less and less sense to me. But, in writing that I realized I was really talking down to other religions, albeit indirectly. I'm not a big fan of talking badly about other people's most personal beliefs.

So lets do this. Lets take away the most of the blog. The intro, the body, the display of the other views and just boil it down to the last few thoughts contained, which is all that is necessary in most things about life anyways.

I have no idea if god exists. I don't think so these days, but I could be wrong. I can admit that. But with so many theories, speculations, and characters, there is no way for me to know. Yeah, there is the faith thing but, on my little island of paganism that just doesn't cut if for a god figure.

The only thing I can bank on then, is love. This sounds horribly cliche, and its a shame because that means we've overused such a great word. But whether love is a deity or not, its the only abstract thing I can bring myself to believe in these days. And I don't just mean romantic love, although that is one of the most amazing types I have ever encountered.

I mean between friends, between a dating couple, between a family, whatever. Love for an idea, a concept, a painting, just that great big definition of the word.

good lord I'm tired,
and this blog is terrible.

So I'll just say this -

When all else fails,
love.


goodnight.

That time again

Today was cold.

A crackle and cloud,
settled electricity.
First step following.

I rarely have a bad day. I have neutral days, and days that aren't so great.
but today was a bad one.

Its hard to explain really. I lost my keys, but that was just annoying. I had no idea what was going on in Chinese, but that was only frustrating.

Its because I have to admit defeat,
Its time to give up.

I'm tired of chasing and I'm tired of working with no real end in sight. Its too much, too much.

I don't know why I write in columns, this isn't meant to be a poem. I just think paragraphs deter the eye. Or at least they do mine.

Its good though, knowing when to keep walking.

Close a door, another opens. Or so I've been told. In truth, the door was probably never there to begin with.

Drawn on with chalk, blown off as time went on.

And its a shame, you see.
It would have been safe with me.



Yeah,
I sort of stole that last part from Bon Iver.
Re: Stacks.

night

Why my eyes open at night, I'll never understand. But I don't find it.

I find most truth when its dark out.

thing is, I'm tired of throwing hope..
I worry someday I'll try to reel it in and it won't be there.

"You're too quick to trust, mark. Here, have this! Its what you do."

this is probably true,
but I think at heart I find it to be worth the risk.

And pass from hence away

I was walking back from a friends house tonight. i looked at what time it was a bit after I left, 1:11 am. No surprise. I was listening to my iPod and the song "..and pass from hence away" by Tim Eriksen played.

This past few days I have been trying to truly feel winter. Not to simply know its there, but to feel it. I don't think this is something a lot of people understand, though I may be wrong. To have my heart stir when I smell people burning wood in their fireplaces, to marvel at the shimmer in the frost that lays on the grass at night, lit (if only) by the moon.

I found myself sitting at a structure that sits in front of the student union on campus. It's a calendar, a large pillar situated in the middle of four stones, each signifying a direction and a season. I sat at west, winter, I was there.

I sang with the song, as loud as I could. It was entirely cold, the fog from my breath filled my vision almost entirely.

But I was happy.

Its a hard thing, finding happiness in discomfort. Its not so much enjoying what you dislike as turning a bad thing into something good. I was the frost on the grass, the cold wind around me, even the few people who walked by and gave me nervous glances.

I sang, and realized something. This entire world is cheating me. I restate what we all have heard, life isn't fair. And in truth, I never expected it to be. But what I mean is that, everything I work towards is nothing of what I truly want.So much of this life is obligatory, existing rather than living. Knowing rather than feeling.

In truth, the only thing I wish for is beyond my grasp for now. But its just one part of the cycle that we all live in.

I had twenty fantastic years of life, and so far only two bad years. So, this is the winter. I'm going to embrace it.

But courage is something that I no longer lack, or at least not with you. But one nagging truth is that, really, there is no room for me in your life. Not that I can see, anyway. And, were I lucky enough I'm not sure I would be able to compete.

I'm tired of shelves, anyways.

Few people walk side by side.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Lm3qH3DitQ

The Junkyard

I should have written this when I had things to say about it. I don't remember what they were. Maybe I can summon them back.

I always get to work early. About an hour and fifteen minutes early. Since the next shift doesn't start till three I have a lot of time to just....do whatever. Nobody is generally there at the shop and so I just....wander sometimes.

There's a junkyard behind where I work. I go there every now and then just to see whats new. Haha, like someone going to blockbuster...if they have those anymore.
Anyways,


two things I noticed, that are in the above picture. The old sculpture that was in front of the activity center and the old bus stop that was in front of the union.

I am so tired,
I have so much I want to say, but of course today sucks that out of me.

..........

my point with all of this,
though it will seem disconnected,
is that we can find beauty anywhere. The bus stop was bent up and ragged looking, but the sun shining through the glass and the people who had been there made me remember it fondly.

Don't try too hard, Mark.

Go to sleep.


Haha, I just demand that every moment be a revelation,
when in truth I have no capacity to learn.

I just want to be Winter this year,
and not a list of commands,
functions to be carried out.

Maybe I should just risk everything,
not think about the consequences,
and tell you how beautiful you are.
That you're my favorite person I know,
and that -
well....

perhaps another time.

and so -

be careful what you wish for. I know, they've said it many times. And really...who starts an entry out with such a strong cliche?

Well, this kid apparently.

but its true. One moment you have an idea of what you want and the next you are completely overloaded, and of course with the fact that none of it is concrete. One thing has to crash and burn eventually,

am I a bad person for saying that?
In reality, I don't care much.

you've got three roads to walk down,
no promise of success or anything like that -
just start walking.

ha,
only a theist could be content with such riddles



....what did that have to do with anything?

Samhain

This is the first year I ever officially celebrated Samhain (Sau-un), the pagan holiday that ushers in the dark time of the year, and is for honoring our ancestors. It was a great time. I did it with a heathen twist, so instead of doing what the club does, usually drawing heavily from witchcraft, we did things differently. There was no circle casting, no direction calling, nothing like that.

We ate, talked, laughed, and drank to the memory of those who came before us. We went around and spoke of specific ancestors we wanted to honor, and then boasted of our own achievements. It was great.

Afterward was the best part, however. People slowly started to trickle away and soon it was just three of my friends and myself. I felt like, without any prompting, we all became so honest with each other. We talked about anything and everything that came to mind, whether it was family, relationships, sex, politics, cute puppies, whatever. There were some moments when I really felt sad, to be honest. But it wasn't that the people made me sad, simply that I remembered a lot of things that I have put off thinking about.

After the conversation I realized I learned a lot. We all look for perfection in people, when our conception of it doesn't exist. Nobody can fly, nobody will solve your problems, nobody can be a knight in shining armor. But sometimes perfection does shine through the smokey glass just to remind you that its there,

because sitting and talking with my friends, that moment was perfect.

I think we need to redefine our idea of perfection. We want so much when in truth we have so much in front of us. There are people, as beautifully flawed as we are... what more could you ask for? When we all realize that we will hurt and be hurt, then we can see how sacred our relationships are, how important it is that we treat each other well.

Its a strange and beautiful thing, really.

I will appreciate every fallen leaf,
there is more beauty in them than in anything I could ask for.

How can I not stand utterly and completely in awe?

Well, tomorrow.

Back to things, to objects, to empty empty empty endeavors.

You know -

you have the power to make me happy.
What I think might be truly happy -


and I don't even think you know it :)

The American Dream

I've never heard it explained explicitly, but I always imagined the American dream to involve carving out a career for yourself via college degree, make a good amount of money, get married and have at least two children, retire young and then die peacefully.

Nothing wrong with that. I just don't care about most of it, really. I mean, I do to the extent of the fact that I don't want to be homeless, but I wouldn't say its my dream. If I had my perfect life, it wouldn't be much different.

If this was an evening in my ideal life, I would be sitting with someone special on the back porch of, well somewhere. There would be birds flitting through tall grass and the sun would be slowly setting. Head on my shoulder and my arm around her, what else would there be for me to want?

"...and we'll follow animal tracks
to a tree in the woods and a hole in the leaves,
we'll see the bright baby eyes of a chickadee"

Post 111.

Today I rode back from Flagstaff with my friends John, Taylor, Kait, and Ben. The 17 was foggy and covered with a thin layer of water - the quieter and more unspoken part of Arizona's polar personality.

The clouds were sitting in the crooks and saddles of each hill we drove past, and each ravine I knew to be only a few feet deep had transformed into an endless abyss, for the illusion of the fog. They were tired, those clouds. Not weary, simply ready to rest. And, the child in my mind likes to believe that they chose to rest with me, as I sat in the car and looked out of the window.

Simply ready to rest. I find that the more I pay attention, more and more The Simple and The Incredible become synonymous. The less I care about what someone at work says, or what grade my teacher gave me, the sooner I can be astounded at the first drop of rain to hit my skin, or the eager moon standing boldly in the blue sky.

But in all of this the lack of someone to share it with, the lack of a say in those conversations about lovers past or interests present, my actions are limited. But, only in a sense. I can't explain.

But you know, whenever I feel an ache at thought of how alone I am, I find myself sitting on my balcony at the apartment. And from there I can see the blue sky, the silvery aspen leaves, and the robin who perches on the railing. Then, although not completely satisfied, I realize that I am not as alone as I thought.

Someday, anyway. Until then -

might be -

I Might be the most boring person alive.

Everyone seems to be vibrant with something -

"The hip-hop afflicted"
"The no holds barred"
"The unafraid and unaware"

I guess I'm too quiet for my own good,
outside of work I suppose.

Anyways,

I think you're amazing.

We talk about taking risks,
ha!

We're all cowards.

bluh

Degenerative.

I'm not sure that's the correct word, but it feels right.

Degenerative.

Fuck these shadows we all walk on-
good lord, I'm tired of being alone.


Cause you've got the walk of a door and I've got the hands of a mouse,

lets just pretend I told you....

You looked beautiful tonight.
You're eyes are by far the most wonderful eyes I've ever seen.
Anytime I make you smile, I feel victorious.
Everything you say is amazing.

Lets pretend I said all that,
and that you heard me,
and that it wouldn't ruin everything.

We all walk on shadows.

Earth

Get me by the big tree, you know. By the creek -
just left of the big rock and the hole
where all the water disappears
into the ground
into a cave
into the earth
into the ocean...

Lets realize this is all one spot.
We don't have to go anywhere else -

So many of us look up,
wondering if that beautiful person,
whoever they are,
is watching the same stars.

But me?
I know that wherever I am,
we stand firm upon the same soil,
from which everything has grown.

Cloak

If you were to take me tonight ...
Yeah I know, I've said it before -
But each chapter on your sharp edge
is someone else's answer
rewritten.
I've looked at your palms before,
or maybe the keys resting there -
yet these thoughts of others,
Oh, consideration -
for now the first will not witness the last.
But, if you were to take me tonight,
'Hair Trigger',
On with all those sleepers stolen before -
I'll say in truth I wouldn't mind,
I wouldn't mind at all.

Why?

why
why
why
why

is this happening to me?

I have done nothing to deserve this,
nothing.

And if it is what it is,
then I am destined

to be

alone.

How can I progress -
move forward,


but its impossible. IMPOSSIBLE.
I know how it happens,
I know how one makes these mistakes.....

and I have not gone down those roads.




...what on earth is going on....

- =-

Your eyes were softer than I remembered,
than I thought they ever had been.
Hair framing an old painting tucked away in my attic
made me forget who I was looking at,
the petal-velvet smile
I had convinced myself was a dream,
tonight,
out of nowhere -
came you who I forgot.

Curse you,
curse you -

Never look at me like that again.

Deep water

Sinking in,

And I'll never truly know.
A year?
Two?

How long do I wait before I choose
not to care
what happens
to another....

The sting just won't leave -

We all walk on shadows.

One

I feel very alone in this moment,



but before we assume we know the word lets push the dark clouds away, and pick the briers out of the lush grass.



There is nothing wrong with it, to feel your thoughts reverberate from the walls

hit and slide down like the freshly falling leaves

during that first day of autumn,

when the cold is cold enough to remind you that you're still here

and yet does not take you.



And, after all...

my guitar is best played when unheard,

and my voice sings out loudest when it is known

that no one is listening.



But,

yet,



There is that bitter powder in the bottom of the cup,

that nagging thought of how undeniably wonderful it would be,

like seeing the sunlight through the last drop of rain,

If it were that I had two eyes,

two hands,

ten fingers,

one mouth,



and yet knowing that there were two of us.

.

Outside of my english class

There is an ROTC student sitting on a bench in the hallway. He is in full uniform, combat camouflage. His face is blank, I have no idea what he is thinking. He's texting on his phone. I have no idea what those messages say.
There is a Muslim woman speaking Arabic on another bench in the hallway. She is covered almost fully, I only see her eyes and her hands. Her face is covered with a blank cloth, I have no idea what she is thinking. She is speaking to a friend. I have no idea what they are saying.

Poetry is action
Poetry is evanescent,
it is a moment and
it is beyond words.

It is movement.

I cannot help but revel in the beauty of this moment...

but our eyes didn't meet.
none of us.

<-----

There is never any going back, and I'm not sure I would want there to be. Knowing what I know now, experiencing what I have...
It would be catastrophic.


But so long as the smell of
the freshly cut grass
brings up ghosts from dirt in
my front lawn...
I'll be happy.

And I'll mourn nothing.

The moth

Are you cold outside,
my dear friend the moth?
Are you so afraid of shadows,
my dearest friend the moth?
Or do you seek them and that is why
you sit so close to my lantern,
my precious friend the moth?
Is your flight so truly listless,
my age-old friend the moth?

We all walk on shadows,
in those places between dreams
when I love you
I love you
I love you.

I'm a nerd.

This is some dialogue from the game Dragon Age: Origins. It happens after you (the warden, my character is named Aeothane) and Leliana begin your romance in the story.

[upon waking up]
Leliana: Hello
Aeothane: You're up early. Did you sleep well?
Leliana: I've been up for some time but yes, I slept well. Did you know your eyelids flutter when you dream? And you have such pretty eyelashes.
Aeothane: Er...my eyelashes?
Leliana: Mmhmm. They're like little butterflies... I want to catch them and keep them in a jar.
Aeothane: You're teasing.
Leliana: Maybe. I'm so Happy, blissful. I haven't slept so wellsince I was forced to flee from Orlais. Knowing you will be the first thing I see when I wake gives me no small amount of comfort. I feel safe in your arms, loved and accepted. This is where I belong. Thankyou.



AAAAaaawwwwww! what a sweetheart :)

Resolution, Inhalation, Peace

You've got some strength for an old man.

And how you see through the veil of hair in your eyes, I have no idea. Tripping over your long, unkempt beard I wonder...what makes you keep walking?

You are not the American dream. You are not the poster boy for perseverance.

Yet still.....you speak through the smokestack that is your throat,
whispering any words of pain that you can -

your metamorphosis..
your transition.

I planted you as a seed, and I watched you grow -
but soon you are to die.

Though I hate you,
and though it will be my hand
that slips the blade
so gently between your ribs

I will kiss your forehead as you release your last breath,
close your eyes,
and fold your hands across your chest
because I refuse to allow you to
weave nightmares into memories.

I choose to end this,
I am happy because
I wish it to be so.

Humans.

First, let me say that this entry isn't about be being upset or scorned. I haven't rushed home to write this after a girl turned me down, nor am I sad or upset. In fact, overall I have been really, really happy. This is written with the same emotion behind it as when you notice a strange bruise on your arm. You aren't made or upset at all....you're just slightly baffled. But anyways, lets get on with it.

I've come to realize that the way humans act when trying to attract the attention of another person for romantic reasons, sexual reasons, or both, is completely and utterly absurd.

Rarely do I say I think something is completely insane, but I think the way we interact with each other when it comes to initiating interest is just silly. I guess I should give an overview of how I see it.

Most efforts to initiate interest with someone I have witnessed or taken part in involved either a complete misrepresentation of oneself, or playing games that result in more frustration than anything else. When it come to misrepresentation, as a man I know that when around attractive women I feel the strange need to exude an air of competence, confidence, and a fun loving attitude. These are attributes I have, yes, but in trying to demonstrate them I would be in essence....lying. Puffing out feathers with stories that are embellished, sharpening my beak with laughable attempts to show physical strength, these things are all exaggerations of something that is maybe true. Thats why, mostly, I don't do them. I can't speak for women since I'm not one, but I'm sure similar things happen.
And as for playing games, this is the part that confuses me most. What I mean by this can be show best by a few examples of things I've heard or wondered.

- "Dude, she just texted me. I'm gonna wait a day, don't want her to think I'm desperate."

Call me crazy.....but I think if a girl initiates conversation with you, then she wants to talk to you. And why make it that complicated anyway? Talk to her or don't. Good lord.

-"Do I ask this girl/guy if she wants to go out? What if she/he doesn't want to?"

This makes a bit more sense to me. After all, it stems from insecurity..which I think we all have trouble with on some level. But when it turns into strange ploys to figure out what to do or not to do, it gets ridiculous. Honestly, just do it. It prevents unnecessary frustration, stress, and being lead on or leading someone on. In reality, if we just asked people what was going on, then being lead on wouldn't exist. For example, The way I asked out my last (and so far only) girlfriend went something like this. I was nervous for sure, but hell It was either ask or don't and that night was as good as any. Keep in mind this is a serious paraphrase

Me: "hey, so I think you're a really cool person. Your fun, attractive, and we like the same stuff. Want to make this thing official?"
Her: "I think you're cool too. Why not try it out and see what happens?"
/kiss.

See? So to the point. none of this bullshit where we lead each other on for a month or too only for one person to lose interest. Haha, although the second time I tried this approach it didn't work at all. People are truly different.

Maybe I'm a little callous, but I don't want to play games if it means I'm going to be wasting my time. I don't know why anybody else does.

Maybe it might seem like I have no capacity for romance. I do, I certainly do. But why spend that energy on something that is going nowhere when I could spend it on an actual relationship? With someone I don't know...sure I'll try to be charming, to be nice, to let her know I think she's special, but I'm not going to exhaust all of my energy on the issue.

So what then? What's my strategy? Well......I don't really have one. I suppose it is a 'strategy'. Anyways, its as follows.

I don't really think about it.

I mean, I could put my dick on the table and compare length with all the other monkey men around me in order to try and impress a woman...but why? What would that really accomplish? More than likely it would attract the type of girl I'm not interested in anyways. So I just kinda do my thing. I just try to be a nice guy, pursue my interests, and overall not care.

But a word to the wise for anybody who likes the sound of the way I do things. Don't expect much attention. However, when someone does come your way, or vice-versa, it'll be someone worthwhile. I'd rather date two or three great women in my lifetime than thirty or forty women that left me with regrets and sour memories.

I've lost my train of thought it seems....
but!

those are the ones I was able to keep track of, and hopefully I was able to make you chuckle a time or two :)

A stalker, a worn coat, and what else?

Bah, you rear you ugly head again.

Scars are best worn under your clothes,
even if they are sewn from each falsehood
you have spoken.

We are all hypocrites my dear,
and I am their king.

Happiness is a choice, you know. I've come to realize that. Of course when we were young our parents had the ability to supply us with endless amounts of happiness...but even then a two year old who is intent on throwing a temper tantrum will certainly do so. So many of us are two years old, fighting over our side of the car and where the borders lie.

I have come to a point where I am a bit less sympathetic to those who have hard lives and yet do nothing to change them. So many of us have hard lives. So many of us have gone through terrible things that we would rather not mention. But ultimately, its up to you whether or not you get past these things.

I am nobody's emotional babysitter. I am a good listener, a good friend, and I will always wish to help when possible. But if someone chooses to wallow in their self pity, I'm not going to throw any pearls their way.

Is this wrong?
perhaps.
Is this heartless?
no.

I still feel for these people, I do. It is simply that I can't make that choice for anybody.

Sometimes I wonder if this mentality, that life will hand us happiness, is destructive. So many of our books and movies portray a beautiful woman or a handsome man, saving the main character from their hardships and showing them the way to happiness. And while we all say that we can distinguish this from reality, can we?

In hearing many people talk about relationships, I have begun to realize that people have their priorities in the strangest places. So what if she has a strange laugh? So what if he still plays video games? How about the person overall? Everybody will let you down. Everybody will hurt you. I'm sorry, that's the way it is. But knowing this, why not look past it? Especially since you can take this same truth and turn it the other way -

"I will let people down. I will hurt people."

After all, if everybody suffers from the curse of being human.....wouldn't everybody include you and I?

Heaven forbid we find fault within ourselves.

But seeing as we are all flawed, we are all on the same playing field. So....why not lighten up a bit? Why give people such a hard time about little mistakes or annoyances that really have no worth focusing on? After all, every time someone has been a bitch to me, I've probably been an asshole too. Probably without even knowing it.

We're all hypocrites.
We're all liars.
We all cheat,
We all are selfish....

haha...one could say we deserve each other?

Chill out everyone. Realize that since the bad is inevitable you might as well not focus on it, and instead focus on the good in people. Besides, hating others and making enemies is so time consuming.

Those are my thoughts for now.

Beech boughs

I've done you a disservice, old friend. Each of your branches are broken, your bark is peeled. Your leaves are browned, and crunch under my feet. I've allowed you to die, almost completely.

But I should set you up again, my dearest memory. I should repair your cracks, soothe your wounds, and grow you new hands.

And I will.

I'm so sorry. Its not that I forgot you, but I was wrong all the same. I threw my every negative emotion at the base of your beautiful trunk, and they soaked into and poisoned your roots. You were always beautiful, eternally under the stars. I just chose to see you all wrong.

Yes, I will restore you.

But, I will sit under you no longer. I will not be able to wait for someone under your beautiful canopy. It is a sad thing, yes, to no longer be able to view the night sky from your safety. But understand, your grassy knoll remains in the same place...and I can't sit still anymore.

I will remember you fondly, dear friend, dear beech tree. Perhaps someday, you will nurture a new beginning for someone else.

But not for me.

Goodbye.

Hyperactivity

each cell a drum
a drum beat
reverberation

and each though an action
while everything moves

its all a movement

propagation
steam of my joints

I feel everything
and the grass sprouts up from my pores
my skin
the dirt
the soil
I am the curve in every branch

ashes to ashes

So, I tossed out all of my pipe tobacco.

We'll see how that goes. Crisis averted, hopefully.

Smoking is something that seems to creep back into my life every few years, and so far I've been able to keep it at bay.

I certainly don't want my life to end with a tube shoved through a hole in my throat.

Robin

pure simplicity
the robin on my front porch;
my breath on her wings

moon phase sun phase

it is...difficult.

your eyes slide off my skin,
where they used to linger.

perhaps its the wind,
changing everything.

these words are empty, are pointless

a broken string
a cracked pot
a shoe full of holes

And I am up late again, as I used to be.
All progress comes with headaches,
tired muscles,
sore eyes....

and yet the stars are still as beautiful as they always were.

Your eyes slide off of my skin,
each time the drop is a day that I've lost

Silvery eye has closed five times,
golden eye has closed twenty one times,

the days that I've lost.

It is 10:50 pm
and I am without you.

And here I thought it would all be fine

It would be fine to not wake up after this,
I'm consigned to never speak again
that tonight could be my final rest;
a spinning car highway
and a plain brick wall
in a black and white photograph.
If all the thoughts that lead
up till now
were a premonition
I'd say forget the pen and ink,
just leave the paper blank
oh I'm so tired of my own company
and the last leg of this road
where there's no one to talk to,
your feet move too quickly
dear, to hold your hand again
I'd say Awake! Awake!
But from then to now
all I hold in these fingers
are your letters made soft
from crying eyes and clenching fists.
I'm consigned to never open eyelids again,
and from where the old ways are gone
it would still hurt to look down upon you.
Good god, I mean it when I say
I wish to never wake again.

To be quite honest

nobody else does, either.


I'm tired. I stayed up too late last night. I miss going to be at nine thirty. I think I might be the only person who does so.

probably not.


Stuck in recycling bins,
they've forgotten everything.

Its easier when you turn the world black and white,
but in the end, you're the liar.

Hammer and anvil

Don't look up,
don't look up,
the mason jars are
empty.
Don't look up,
don't look up,
answer shackled-
and the chamber
might not be.

The only reason I do this
is because my mother couldn't watch
another blow to the head.

Front porch

Whenever I walk up or down the stairs that lead to my third floor apartment, I see the same thing. An older man, on the stairwell across from me. He sits in his chair silently, usually working on something with his hands. I imagine he carves figurines. He has flower pots all along the railing, and a cross pinned up on the wall. Beside him sits his slightly ragged, albeit healthy, looking dog. Shaggy wheat colored fur and a somber face rest on paws, occasionally sniffing at some insect passerby. I admit, I strain my neck to see inside his apartment when he leaves the door opened. A flower vase, a coffee table, old pictures; everything looks at least fifty years old. Sometimes he smokes a cigarette and stares off into some place I can't quite catch a glimpse of. He is always there. He lives alone.

I don't ever want to be that man,
even though he might be happier than I ever will be.

Pagany

I haven't been feeling very pagan lately.

I'm not sure why. Perhaps its because of everything I have to do...school tends to suck out my personality. I thin k I'm the poster boy for crazy associations, I relate a lot to paganism. Not the typical earth, deities, magic (Don't get me started on this subject), and so forth. But a lot of people in my past are shadows of my beliefs.

In any case, the first meeting is tomorrow. It could decide everything, but it shouldn't decide anything at all.

Aeothane Wodensen

This is the backstory for my character in Dungeons and Dragons. I just wrote it, so....yeah.


Aeothane Wodensen

Aeothane was born on a small farm only a few miles out from talon gorge. He lived there with his father, Thane, and his mother, Aeolynn. Upon his birth the names of his parents were combined to create the name Aeothane would carry.
Thane was a retired Soldier, and so he also taught Aeothane about combat, and battle strategy. Thane was a tall man with chorded muscles and a broad chest. Although his hair as crimson as heated steel, his face was always clean shaven. He taught him how to tend soil, to grow crops, and how to raise and slaughter animals. He also taught Aeothane how to hunt. Aeolynn was of normal height, and had beautiful braided hair, which shown like wheat fields and swayed in the wind just the same. She taught Aeothane the arts of poetry, mending cloth, and creating things out of wood. Aeloyn was no average housewife. When Aeothane was very young, his father had been away from home when a man came in the night to rob them. In seeing Aeolynn’s beauty as she slept, the midnight theif moved to assault her. Aeolynn leapt from her bed, and sent the man off clutching the bloodied stump of flesh where his left hand used to be.
Aeothane’s family was also a very religious one. Aeolynn would tell Aeothane stories of Kord, and Ehlona, the two deities their family revered the most. She Also led out family rituals and prayers. Thane would often take Aeothane out into the woods and say to him,
“Aeothane, many people view Kord as a god of battle, and battle alone. He has certainly seen me through many wars that I should not have lived through. But what most do not realize is that he is also a god of agriculture, even if indirectly. Just as a general or captain makes sure his soldiers are well fed, Kord speaks to the gods of the harvest and of the hunt on our behalf so that we may be strong, and fight hard. Kord does not want weak, unfed warriors showing up to his great hall after they die.”
Up until the age of twelve, Aeothane lived on the beautiful farm with his parents. His father called the place ‘Skjonnhalla’, the Beautiful Hall. Thane used to say “A place Kord himself woulf marvel at”, and indeed it was magnificent. It did not have golden pillars made by gnomes, nor silver entryways crafted by elves. It did not have platinum filigree over the windows, as the dwarves or Halflings might have had. It had beauty in that Thane and Aeolyn had built it with their own hands, in their own time, with the vision of raising a family there.
This beauty could not last, however. The day after Aeothane’s birthday, His father sent him out to hunt a doe that had been seen around Skjonnhalla. It was Aeothane’s first hunt alone, and it took him the better part of the day. Upon returning home, the doe slung over his back, Aeothane saw his beautiful home destroyed. It was the only time that He had aver felt fear this deep. He rushed towards the smoldering embers of what once was his home, and cursed himself for not returning earlier when he had thought he smelled smoke. It was a stupid mistake. He found his father, as grey as the ash around him, and with limbs torn from his body. His mother had been decapitated, stripped, and hung from a beam that had been thrust into the ground. A bestial, primal roar bellowed from the darkest depths of Aeothane’s being. He cursed the sky, the ground, the trees and the wind. He cursed the gods for not protecting his family, and he cursed those that murdered them. But most of all, he cursed himself.
Aeothane had nothing but the clothes on his back, a hunting knife, and his bow and arrows. Foolishly he ran into the woods, following deep footprints left in the soil. He ran for days, until his body ached and screamed at him for food, water, and rest. He finally collapsed upon a large plateau, from which he could view the glittering empire sea. His mind went black, his eyes shut, and he fell into the deepest sleep he had ever known.
He awoke to the earth shaking terribly, and to the cacophony of thunder. A hand gripped his chin and tilted his head back. A hot, salty stew ppoured down his throat and burned his stomach. Only then did he realize that the shaking of the earth was actually a wagon, and the thunder was the clip clopping of a donkey’s hooves. Aeothane’s eyes opened to the face of an old, dwarven women. Her hair was blond; in a neat braid that hung over her shoulder. She wore a simple brown dress that matched her eyes and held in her hand a large ball of spun wool yarn. She spoke, but her language was unfamiliar to Aeothane. Upon noticing his lack of comprehension, the women said in a thick dwarvish accent,
“My husband was hunting when he found you, curled up like a dead weasel on the rocks. Where are you from?” Aeothane told her about skjonhalla, his home, and his family. He also spoke of how his family had been murdered, and of how he was looking for those who had killed them. After much talk, Aeothane learned that he had been unconsciouss for nearly five days. The dwarf woman said, “We are just outside of Ringsdale, perhaps someone there knows you and can help you.” Realizing he did not know their names, Aeothane asked the dwarf woman who she and her husband, who was guiding the donkey, were. She replied, “I am Griffa, and my husband is Nido.”
Aeothane didn’t formally meet Nido until they arrived at Ringsdale. He appeared older than Griffa, although how old he was Aeothane had no idea. He had heard that dwarves could live to be four hundred, so the amount of years seen by Griffa and Nido was a mystery to him. Nido wore a tall, grey hat that came to a point and had a large brim that ran all the way around the base. His beared was neatly combed and tucked into his belt, which was of the same leather that made the patch which covered his left eye. Nido was a dwarf of very few words.
As the dwarf couple bartered their goods, Aeothane worried for his future. He sat in the wagon, crying softly as he realized that he had no home. As the sun began to set Nido returned to the wagon. He sat down beside Aeothane, lit up a long wooden pipe and said in a deep bubbling voice, “Boy, what in all of evanoch do you have to cry about?” Enraged, Aeothane explained his family’s murder to the old dwarf. He slung each word at Nido, hoping it stung like a dagger. After a long puff from his pipe, Nido spoke.
“Aeothane, you say your name is. From what you have said, your family was a strong one. Why then do you cry? Yes, a terrible thing has happened, but now you have a purpose. Now you have a job. Certainly you cannot get that done sniveling in here like a frightened lamb. I offer this to you; come live with griffa and I. We could use the help around our farm, and you will have a roof over your head. Nearby our home is Underhar, our capital. There you can train in any way you see fit, although I cannot guarantee that every dwarf will welcome you.”
Aeothane accepted Nido’s offer, and lived with he and Griffa for many years. He learned the dwarven language, and devoted all of his time to Training in combat, so that he may one day enact revenge on those who destroyed his family. However, in doing so he forgot many of the skills that were taught to him. Hunting, crafting, and mending clothes were pushed aside as Aeothane learned how to be deadly with an axe.
At the age of twenty, Aeothane moved away from his new dwarven family. Although it tore him apart inside to do so, he felt that he was ready to begin his search for those that had slaughtered his parents. He returned to Talon Gorge, where he has lived for five years. He makes his living as a ‘blade for hire’, although he keeps his job quiet. He also strides towards getting his birthright from those that hold it within the vaults of Talon Gorge. Because everything of his childhood was burned, he has no way of proving that he is the son of Thane and Aeolynn. So, his birthright sits untouched.