-

Roll with it, brother.

Your mind runs too fast and your thoughts are
the author of half-truths.

Sleep a little,
dance a little -

your guitar is going nowhere.

````````

Anyways.


November has seen thirty six posts,

and has been by far one of the most tumultuous months I can remember.

There has been a whole lot of bad,
and a whole lot of good.

Leading into winter,
into break,
into work weeks and who knows
what will arrive
with the snow

C'est un mystère.

I can only hope that I will continue to see each breath I take as precious -

Its a choice, brother.

And your guitar
is going
nowhere.

Cold

Crow tracks in the snow,
needles and branches encased in crystals,
a blueprint of the most immediate history.

I see no reason to hate Winter.

Forward

I couldn't help it.

The whole time I was writing my research paper I was thinking of all the ways I could make "better" use of my time. For example,

Playing the dulcimer
Playing the guitar
Spending time with people I care about
Walking (Yes, its cold. But a little hardship teaches a lot)
Writing a poem

But really, the best possible use of my time was in fact writing the paper.

Ok -
I'll admit it.

I have a few serious personality flaws. I won't go into them, but they do exist.

I think a lot of us are afraid of our personality flaws, and we refuse to see them...maybe thinking that acknowledging them will make them more real.

One of my many personality flaws is seeing the long term use of things. For example, there is no immediate benefit of writing a term paper. But in the long run, I know that it is definitely within my best interest.

I need to find the harmony between work, school, and doing the things I love. After all, if I don't take care of my responsibilities then the things I love will drift away, slowly but surely.

There is just so much I want to do that I can't do because of school and work. But, without an education and a good job I won't be able to do anything on my list.

I don't ever want to say
"Well, I just didn't quite make it"

I don't ever want to live with regret.

So far, I don't have any regret in my life.

I have had them before, but after wasting away and letting life pass me by, I realized that allowing myself to feel regret only makes more and more regret pile on.

how many times can I say "regret"?
Good lord. Redundant, eh?

Anyways -

That's all for tonight.

The Start

of something I didn't think would happen,
of something I thought was completely myth.

Happiness is such a big, complex word -
but you make me feel it
especially when I'm with you


You are fantastic,
inspiring,
fun,
beautiful,
smart,

and I am so happy to be with you :)

White wall

I am by no means a photographer

A bird with a crimson throat

A plank of wood at the bottom of a well,
green and molded -
half submerged.

Burnt boxes,
A highway overpass.

Maybe the reason we can't find perfection
is because we try so hard to create it.
Is it possible that to find such beauty,
all we have to do is realize that it exists
in the first place?

Perhaps beauty, passion, and joy are older than we are -
and they are as innately human as the wind,
or a stream...
not 'human' at all.

Completely tangible,
but in no way ours.

One thing is for sure,
I am willing to see
that such moments are perfect.

Displacement

I know exactly what you mean.

Well, maybe I don't. But I can tell you my experience and hopefully that will help you feel a bit better.

Anyways, I'll start typing....
...
.....now.


Its really strange, this stage in life. Its like being between asleep and waking up -
where the dreams you were having are still as real as before but the colors have seemed to dim,
and you're aware of the time.

I know what you mean, not feeling like you have a home. I felt like that for the last year I was in the dorms, which is why I so desperately had to get out. On the one hand, Tempe was still my home. But Really, going back caused me to see how everything had changed. My old room was a storage space, The old pictures in the hallway were different, it wasn't home anymore. And sharing a small dorm with someone, I found it incredibly hard to find a sense of home when nothing but my possessions were truly mine.

The fear of becoming a boring, lonely adult still grips me from time to time. I hate to hear myself talk about bills, gas prices, insurance, loans, and work. Not because any of it is difficult or scary (Well, the loans are a bit frightening), but because I remember how foreign those things sounded to me when I was Young. Hearing them makes me feel a bit foreign to myself, to the child still awake inside of me.

So anyways, I know what you mean. I'm not really in that place anymore, of being in between. I think it is different for everyone, getting out. But I can tell you what I did.

I Decided to grow up,
but I refused to be an adult.

Ever since I was young the word adult carried such a stale connotation. It was all of the boring stuff that is part of the adventure of growing up. I guess what I mean is I decided to become responsible, capable, and honorable; all of the things that are important in becoming a man. But I refused to give up my passion, my joy, and my love of simplicity.

I do believe that so much of happiness is a choice. For me, that means choosing to see things like a child sometimes. Here is a small list of things I go out of my way to notice.

The first shoots off grass growing in spring
the smell of burning wood
Cool action figures in the toy section of Walgreen's
How carpet feels on bare feet
The first few seconds of stepping into a hot shower (the best part)
The sound wind makes when you're around pine trees
An amazing person in an unlikely place (Most recently Jadis at Waffle House)
The Sacredness of interaction between people. Romantic and friendship.
Interesting Bugs


These sorts of things are what keep me feeling the magic of being a child.

For me, is so important to care about things. To go through life noticing that every inch of existence is so truly a miracle.

You're so right, treating every day like a holiday.
Everyday is definitely worth celebrating.

Anyways,
I don't know if any of this helped. I hope it did :)

Old songs

I was sitting on the couch.

My father was playing his new guitar,
a new song he had written.

It was beautiful,
but ragged.

His hands don't work the same way they used too.

But then -
his eyes closed,
and his head bowed.

Something he had written before
came creeping out -

The air became soft
and his face held no strain.

I had my father back,
but for a moment.

Waffles, Guitars, and Transgender

GRAAAAGH!!!

that was a good yell.

Tonight was so much fun. Honestly, your Christmas gift is turning out to be so amazing. You have no idea how excited I am to give it to you. Gah! I can't wait to see your face.

How fortunate is it that one of my best buds has a studio?

One minute I'm saying, "Yeah, this is basically what I was thinking"

And then the next thing I know we're harmonizing,coming up with amazing riffs, and really creating music.

"The next big thing in music is actually doing it" - Tim Eriksen.

Anyways -

After the studio we ended up at The Waffle House. We ended met a woman who was transgendered. Born a man, now a woman. She had so much amazing insight and was so excited to be herself. It made me happy to see her, wearing her transgender pin, willing to answer any questions that Nico or I had. From what she said, she did a lot of it herself! Long story short, Nico is going to see if she can speak in his gender studies class.

Some of the best memories are made with bleary eyes and tired heads,
when you stumble into a place where nobody would go,
and give it a chance.
Experience it.

I have very few concrete beliefs. I am very willing to let my views evolve, change, and adapt. But one thing is for sure -

I will not live a mediocre life. I won't just settle.

Every moment is so precious,
so valuable.
Why would I waste it simply existing
when I could be living?

Gah!

it's three in the morning,

and life has been treating me so, so well.

Walking -

I walked with my dad today. We went all around our neighborhood and talked about the usual stuff.

Motorcycles,
Religion,
Mom's health,
etc.

After a short time I dropped him off, but kept going.

There were people out on their front yards,
there was laughter coming out of open windows -

The entire neighborhood was a rich blend of wood smoke and home cooking.

Partway down the road, a cat walked out. I sat on the sidewalk with it for a while, and it followed me when I continued on.

Why is my writing so boring these days?

Its just a list of events.

Well, just believe me when I saw it was very, very beautiful.

Anyways.

Since today is Thanksgiving:

I'm thankful for so many things. That I have food, clothes, a job, and that I can go to school. So many people have few or none of those things. I am intensely aware of how fortunate I am.

I'm thankful for my family. We have gone through a lot of terrible things, but somehow we manage to continue loving each other. I'm thankful that my mom stayed with my dad after his accident, and I'm so thankful that my dad is still alive.

Of course, I'm thankful for you. You are so great in so many ways. I always have fun with you, no matter what we're doing. You make me laugh, and I appreciate you greatly. I am very fortunate to have you. I'm thankful for all of that :)

I'm thankful for my friends. I don't think I would be the same person at all had I never known any of you, and I'm very proud of who I am. You have all been there when I truly needed you, and forgiven me when I did not so the same in turn. You're true friends.

Tradition

These days my family is traditionless.

There are no more thanksgiving dinners, and the decorations for Christmas dwindle each year.

Halloween is, and always has been, a non entity.

We do not sit on the back porch each Saturday morning as we used to.
But again, my sister and I have moved away.

So much of life takes from living,
and strangles out tradition.

My parents are aging,
and my sister and I are gone.

My aunt and uncle live almost an hour away,

and there are no other Garretts on this half of the country.

It makes me ache, slightly.

And these walls are slowly becoming foreign,
this house is less and less permanent with each visit.

Its all growing up, I presume.

But one day, when I have a family of my own, we won't be traditionless.

My children will be raised in a way where tradition is integral,
imperative.

They'll feel the magic of Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Halloween? We're going to go insane on Halloween to make up for all the times I missed out on.

There will also be the pagan traditions,
we'll celebrate the seasons and our ancestors.

And then whichever religion their mother, who ever that may be, is -
those traditions will carry in also.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuIedgs5tdE&feature=related

That is all.

Tempe

Indeed.

Very good to be home.

Already I'm hanging out with the parents, wasting time watching old tv shows we used to wait all week for :)

Its good to see my parents. Its always a little painful to see my Dad, in a way. But even with his scars he is the same man I always knew, and I love him.

Of course Nico has to work Friday. I'm really looking forward to another fighter practice, and maybe a bit of hoegaarden, haha.

Anyways, this particular entry is bland -
unsalted,
static under a fluorescent light.

It's all true, but for some reason my writing abilities have been spent.

Well, except for that Haiku I wrote for you today,
I was pretty proud of that one.

Yes indeed -
I'll be missing you for sure,
I already do, to be honest :)

But As I've said, I have been looking forward to being here in Tempe for a while.
After all -
seeing Nico and Ricky always means a great time.

Besides,
Sunday is only a short ways away.

Dream Last Night

I had left my boots somewhere.

I walked down route 66 until I found a small alleyway. It was small and winding. The path was cobblestone and there were small cafes lining the walkway. There were lots of people, but it wasn't crowded or loud. Everybody was speaking. I mean, they weren't just flapping their jaws mindlessly, they were speaking. Each person was engaged in the other and there was actual communication going on. The sun was in the middle of the sky, casting light down through bouganvilla plants that hung from the windows of rooftop apartments.

I was very happy.

I was interrupted by something cold touching my hand. I looked down and saw an enormous golden retriever sniffing my hand. He growled and gave a bark. I knew he was protecting this place, and rightly so. I knelt down and scratched his ears, saying

"I'd do the same, guy. I'd do the same. I'm just in and out, promise."

He licked my nose, and then trotted away. I loved that dog.

I took my first steps down the alley. Sun trickled down on my skin like the last few moments of a rainstorm, when all the violence is lost and the birds start flying again. Soft jazz and big band music meandered out from the shops and restaurants, from patios where happy people sipped wine and coffee while caring for the person across from them.

I almost decided to never leave, but then I remembered my promise to the dog. And I knew I had to go once I had done what I needed to do.

I saw the golden retriever curled up beside a music shop. He was a massive rusted orange guard, but I knew he would let me in. As I stepped into the shop, the smell of hand carved wood slid slowly over me like a blanket. Sweet cedar and oak made the shop feel like autumn, and the circular windows carved from the same windows continued to bring the sun down to my face.

The walls were lined with instruments, all acoustic. Guitars, lutes, violins, Violas, fiddles, cellos, dulcimers, and many other things I didn't recognize. But the most beautiful of them was on a table in front of an old man. It was a dulcimer, in the process of being made. The body was carved, but unsanded and unpolished. carving tools and saw dust littered the table where it sat, golden orb tuning pegs sat quietly in a small glass bowl. The old man was leaned back in a chair, eating a sandwich and drinking some tea. his beard was thick and white, save two streaks of pepper black that ran down from his mustache. I spoke.

"Sir, I -"
"Eh? Oh! Yer shoes. Well...yeahp. they're over there."

He gave a nod over his shoulder.

I walked over and there they were, looking the same as always.

Torn leather and paint stains. Some rough spots, others rubbed smooth. Frayed laces and green interior. I pulled them on, laced them up, and noticed how they felt the same as always.

I woke up.

Well, to answer your question -

How can a guy like me see you as special?

You stop to enjoy light shining off of snow,
and to feel it crunch under foot.
You care so much about the things you love,
and you understand what it means to be passionate about living -
and you understand that living is a miracle.
I've told you so much about myself,
both good and bad -
and still you see me the same.
I find myself always looking forward to when I get to see you again,
to seeing your face and hearing your voice.

So....yes.

those are some reasons why I think you're great :)

Snow

Snow is beautiful.

I was dreading it, but now that its here I'm so glad.

Even the night sky had color -

Today was intensely perfect.

Thank you, just for being who you are.

I feel like I can do no wrong around you, like everything I say is the right thing. And when I make you smile

yeah :)

its like falling and flying and standing perfectly still all at the same time

Its wonderful to have someone to be so excited about,
and someone who is excited about me.

I won't forget it.

It will be one of those memories I take out and look at from time to time.
because as life goes on I'll get older,
and more tired.
But the memory of holding your hand,
and both of us being dangerously close to drifting off to sleep -
that memory is timeless.

Papers, Dulcimers, and...Bollywood?

I think I seriously overestimated the difficulty this paper would propose. I've been working for only an hour and I'm nearly half way through. It makes sense though. Having practiced paganism for three years now, its an issue I've certainly given a lot of thought.

But -
anyways.

I'm giving myself a 10-15 minute break every hour, so that's what this is.

bah! Why am I talking about school when I'm on break? Terrible.

/Change Subject

You know what I love? Hammered Dulcimers. They sound really different from my dulcimer, which has four strings and is really quite simple. Hammered Dulcimers have, well a ton of strings. The cool thing is that they are found in a lot of cultures. You hear them in Chinese, Japanese, and European Music. I'm sure a lot of cultures have them.

Its strange how sometimes when I'm playing my normal dulcimer, I feel like I'm speaking. Not often, but sometimes instruments speak for us. After all, words tend to fall short.

Anyways, here is a video of a hammered dulcimer being played. I can't embed videos using blogspot (or at least, I don't know how) so here is a link.

Trust me, its very cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxjpYHhfRyI




And this is completely unrelated. Its a scene from Devdas, one of the few yet growing number of musicals I enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9oeBzNBIso



alright. back to work.

-> Playlist

So one CD turned into three,

turned into five,

turned into ten.

I'm really going to have to narrow it down a bit, or else you'll have a music overload I'm sure.

But its all so good!

Anyways, time to stop writing in a column. This isn't a poem, although I wish it was.

I haven't written poetry, actual poetry, in almost a month. Its beginning to wear on me.

Anyhow, if I'm going to make any of these CDs then I'm going to have to buy something to burn them onto.

I'm really enjoying how we are sharing all of these things that we enjoy with each other - its a wonderful and strange thing to have this much in common with someone.

I feel very lucky to have you, too :)
And that's no lie.

Shabbat Shalom

Celebrating Shabbat was definitely one of my favorite experiences in a while. It was a mixture of so many things.

First, in some ways it was eerily similar to how some Adventists celebrate the coming of the Sabbath. Sometimes they call it vespers, although throughout Christian denominations the usage of vespers sees some variation.

Anyway, When the Rabbi told the story of Jacob wrestling with the angel, I was practically transported to a vespers service where the same story was told, for the same purpose. There were other things too, but that was what stuck out the most.

It was also completely alien to me, and I loved it. When the Rabbi read out of what I assume was the Torah, it was so beautiful. It was like he was singing and speaking at the same time. I'd never heard Hebrew before, and it is a distinct and great sounding language. Or, at least when he spoke it.

Also, gefilte fish is damned delicious. The one piece I had only made me want a whole plate of it.

Anyways -

You liked Nell!

I'm fuckin stoked about that, seeing as how its one of my favorite movies of all time. I'm importing the CD you made for me onto my computer as I type this very blog. Yes, this very blog!

I'll probably listen to it tomorrow as I work on my paper.

Gah. Lets not think about that.

I had so much fun with you tonight. I had so much fun with the whole thing.

I'm definitely looking forward to quarantine and dinner on Sunday.

Anyway,

I'm barely able to keep my eyes open. So on that note, goodnight.

I hope you sleep well :)

Coded

How did you type in IPA?
I'm sure there will be plenty of errors.

I'm pretty much a really lucky guy.


By far, you are one of the most fun people. ever.

You are, indeed, quite fantastic :)

Anyways,

bedtime for this boring blogger.

goodnight!

Haiku, you never fail me.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm lucky enough for you to be interested in me,
but I am -
and its one of those things I'm not going to question, really.

I'm terrible at writing things literally.

First frost of autumn,
sweet smoke from red-door houses.
four steps through old leaves.

There,
that's much better.

I'm glad I make you smile :)

Frost

This morning is the first frost I've been awake for.

I walked to Safeway this morning to pick up a few things. Walking feels different depending on the time of day. This morning it was the earth pounding back my footsteps,
saying

"Be calm. Be still"

I don't know if I believe the earth of be a conscious being, but I can see why people have referred to her as mother.

The frost on my handrails reminded me of flying over the Atlantic on my way to England, many years back. The frost was cracked and rigid, like the ice sheets that sat on the water's surface.

I remember on that ten hour flight, I lost any and every source of measure to help remind me of the concept of time. One minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like only seconds. Movies in the cabin were always on repeat, flight attendants walked by quietly as I sat.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this. But, why does this entry have to go anywhere?

No, we'll just let it breathe on its own.

Sometimes when my brain is smush I write like this

I have no idea where this academic monstrosity came from, but it punched me in the grill with homework.

But you know what, I didn't take out all of those loans to sit on my butt, and hearing sciences is interesting enough.

Really though, if someone was to sit and think about how it is that the human auditory system works, it would blow their mind.

One thing that is interesting is that if you really think about it, we don't know what anything really sounds like. Sure, Our brains have a way of perceiving that sound, but that's after it changes from acoustic energy to vibrations being propagated through liquid in our ears, then to chemicals being fired off in our brains.

......braaaaaiiiinnnnsss

Sorry.

I've noticed that my entries have lost all poetic edge. This is probably due to all the school junk I'm writing.

"..due to.."? This isn't an essay, guy.

Anyways, I think I'm going to light a candle on my Ganesh shrine. Do I believe in Ganesh? not really. It just seems like a nice thing to do.

And besides, with all this studying going on I might as well give it a try.

By the way -

So, just as a little side note -


I really just sorta kinda definitely like you, too. 这不是一个笑话 (<-- Means, 'no joke')

I like the way that no matter whet you're talking about, I'm stuck on every word. Everything you say is fascinating, and you're one of the few people who can follow my odd and random sense of humor. A lot of people just talk, you say things. And I like the way you laugh, especially at the things most people don't think are very funny but are in fact, tremendously hilarious.

Not to mention, we actually talked about language. Dialect, accents, articulation - yeah. that was awesome :)

I certainly don't feel like I have to be false, or put on an image. You seem to like me for me, and that's a rare thing.

Also, I must add, that you are very beautiful :)
I'm not sure if it makes you uncomfortable when I say that, so I'll just leave it there.

I have to study now. Rather not, but I have to. Hopefully the library doesn't suck my brain dry.

Hopefully when I finish all of this junk we can actually hang out, lunch is fun but we're always so rushed. Besides, I promised I'd give Buffy a shot, yah?

Alright. Time to go to study town.

Established: 15 minutes from now.
Population: This guy

So confidence does indeed pay off

I'm still wondering how I was brave enough,
bold enough,
to say anything I did.

But I'm glad I did.

I'm not sure where this all will go -
but I'm ok with that.


All I know is that today,
right now,
I'm feeling pretty good.

Great, even.

Sleep time,
because I have a lot to do tomorrow.

P.S.

You're pretty great, by the way ;)

Night Walk

I'm going on one,
so what if its almost eleven at night?

Its cold,
maybe too cold to go out.

But sometimes its better,
when the sharp wind pushes against your face
as the earth yells
"Wake up! Wake up!"

I can't make the absence of Sun synonymous with negativity,

she is old,
she is dark,
she is quiet,
she is night.

Lets

Lets hope I don't fuck this one up.

I have the tendency to fall out of people's interest rather quickly,
hope it doesn't happen this time.

Anyways,
nights tend to bring negative thoughts.

most of which tend to be unfounded, and downright silly.

Its simply this,
I tend to get boring fairly quickly.

I'm not sure why that is, but I often do.

Gah -

time for tomorrow.

Today

Today is a very good day. Yes indeed, yes indeed.

You know its strange, how normally I feel so uneasy when I have nothing to go off of. But today, when nearly everything is a question or an uncertainty, I can't deny that I feel better and more motivated than usual.

I don't think its what people would assume - see I have come to realize how fine I am on my own, in my awesome apartment and with my dulcimer and my guitar (Which I need to restring). But at the same time its great when someone gets it, since not so many do.

And its strange how its impossible to know what to think, exactly. But this time around I'm just going to be myself, I suppose. After all, it seems like its been working pretty well so far.

And by the way,
have faith in yourself.
You're a lot more amazing than I think you realize.

anger

Are you serious?

I mean, really. Are you fucking serious? Could you just, not be involved with anything or anyone that I'm interested in? That would be lovely.

And by the way, fuck off.

You made it very clear that you didn't want to see me anymore,
so I'd really be fine to forget that you exist.

Lets try to make that happen.

Academics

Sometimes I wonder why I'm going to college. I won't say its a waste of time, or that its a waste of money. It might be, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Most of what I find classes doing is making me hate the subject matter. You know, I won't even say that its the institution's fault. Perhaps it is, but that's another subject entirely. I also see the vast importance of education and the great things it has done throughout human evolution.

Its just that where other people see tangibility, structure, and explanation resulting from academia I see rules, barriers, compartments, and so on.

I don't know why, exactly. I guess its just an example of differant ways of looking at things.

You could have one person look at a small statue. That person might read about it, see what its made out of, learn about the artist, the context of the culture it was made in.

Another person might touch it, feel the texture, look at the curves and grooves where someones tool used to be, they might even smell it to bring in the scent of the cool moss growing on it.

I'm not sure if either of these people knows more than the other. And I also don't know why in my mind both don't coexist. Its just that one feels like a job whereas the other feels like an experience. I'm sure that sentence is only going to make sense to me. I mean a job is an experience...but that's beside the point.

Here's an example. All of my life, I have refused to take guitar lessons. When I was a child my parents offered them to me, but I adamantly said no. It wasn't that I thought, or even that I still think, that the academic side of music is wrong or incorrect. I think it means a lot to many people. But for me, I knew I would start hating the guitar if I took lessons. A few things are sure, had I taken the offer I would be a technically better guitar player today. But I also feel like I would have been a more soulless guitar player. I don't know what a C chord, a B chord, or an E chord is. But I know what different combinations of notes feels like, and I know I would lose that if I took lessons.

I had that same experience with martial arts. I loved kung-fu. But the more in depth I got into lessons the more I started to resent it. The same thing almost happened with sword fighting,but instead of lessons my friends and I taught ourselves. Nobody guided or instructed us. Now I know that logically people would think that there's no way I could have turned into a good fighter. But I will say that both my friend and I are members of one of the best combat groups within the medieval reenactment society we participate in.

This really speaks to my own downfall, however. I wish I didn't have this unconscious loathing of being told how to learn, but I do.

So I'll leave it at that, for now.
besides, I like feeling far more than knowing.

you know how it is when you write while asleep

This is the second time I've written this blog.
Bear in mind that this rewrite is at 2:30 am.

The first time through, I talked about how the idea of god has started making less and less sense to me. But, in writing that I realized I was really talking down to other religions, albeit indirectly. I'm not a big fan of talking badly about other people's most personal beliefs.

So lets do this. Lets take away the most of the blog. The intro, the body, the display of the other views and just boil it down to the last few thoughts contained, which is all that is necessary in most things about life anyways.

I have no idea if god exists. I don't think so these days, but I could be wrong. I can admit that. But with so many theories, speculations, and characters, there is no way for me to know. Yeah, there is the faith thing but, on my little island of paganism that just doesn't cut if for a god figure.

The only thing I can bank on then, is love. This sounds horribly cliche, and its a shame because that means we've overused such a great word. But whether love is a deity or not, its the only abstract thing I can bring myself to believe in these days. And I don't just mean romantic love, although that is one of the most amazing types I have ever encountered.

I mean between friends, between a dating couple, between a family, whatever. Love for an idea, a concept, a painting, just that great big definition of the word.

good lord I'm tired,
and this blog is terrible.

So I'll just say this -

When all else fails,
love.


goodnight.

That time again

Today was cold.

A crackle and cloud,
settled electricity.
First step following.

I rarely have a bad day. I have neutral days, and days that aren't so great.
but today was a bad one.

Its hard to explain really. I lost my keys, but that was just annoying. I had no idea what was going on in Chinese, but that was only frustrating.

Its because I have to admit defeat,
Its time to give up.

I'm tired of chasing and I'm tired of working with no real end in sight. Its too much, too much.

I don't know why I write in columns, this isn't meant to be a poem. I just think paragraphs deter the eye. Or at least they do mine.

Its good though, knowing when to keep walking.

Close a door, another opens. Or so I've been told. In truth, the door was probably never there to begin with.

Drawn on with chalk, blown off as time went on.

And its a shame, you see.
It would have been safe with me.



Yeah,
I sort of stole that last part from Bon Iver.
Re: Stacks.

night

Why my eyes open at night, I'll never understand. But I don't find it.

I find most truth when its dark out.

thing is, I'm tired of throwing hope..
I worry someday I'll try to reel it in and it won't be there.

"You're too quick to trust, mark. Here, have this! Its what you do."

this is probably true,
but I think at heart I find it to be worth the risk.

And pass from hence away

I was walking back from a friends house tonight. i looked at what time it was a bit after I left, 1:11 am. No surprise. I was listening to my iPod and the song "..and pass from hence away" by Tim Eriksen played.

This past few days I have been trying to truly feel winter. Not to simply know its there, but to feel it. I don't think this is something a lot of people understand, though I may be wrong. To have my heart stir when I smell people burning wood in their fireplaces, to marvel at the shimmer in the frost that lays on the grass at night, lit (if only) by the moon.

I found myself sitting at a structure that sits in front of the student union on campus. It's a calendar, a large pillar situated in the middle of four stones, each signifying a direction and a season. I sat at west, winter, I was there.

I sang with the song, as loud as I could. It was entirely cold, the fog from my breath filled my vision almost entirely.

But I was happy.

Its a hard thing, finding happiness in discomfort. Its not so much enjoying what you dislike as turning a bad thing into something good. I was the frost on the grass, the cold wind around me, even the few people who walked by and gave me nervous glances.

I sang, and realized something. This entire world is cheating me. I restate what we all have heard, life isn't fair. And in truth, I never expected it to be. But what I mean is that, everything I work towards is nothing of what I truly want.So much of this life is obligatory, existing rather than living. Knowing rather than feeling.

In truth, the only thing I wish for is beyond my grasp for now. But its just one part of the cycle that we all live in.

I had twenty fantastic years of life, and so far only two bad years. So, this is the winter. I'm going to embrace it.

But courage is something that I no longer lack, or at least not with you. But one nagging truth is that, really, there is no room for me in your life. Not that I can see, anyway. And, were I lucky enough I'm not sure I would be able to compete.

I'm tired of shelves, anyways.

Few people walk side by side.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Lm3qH3DitQ

The Junkyard

I should have written this when I had things to say about it. I don't remember what they were. Maybe I can summon them back.

I always get to work early. About an hour and fifteen minutes early. Since the next shift doesn't start till three I have a lot of time to just....do whatever. Nobody is generally there at the shop and so I just....wander sometimes.

There's a junkyard behind where I work. I go there every now and then just to see whats new. Haha, like someone going to blockbuster...if they have those anymore.
Anyways,


two things I noticed, that are in the above picture. The old sculpture that was in front of the activity center and the old bus stop that was in front of the union.

I am so tired,
I have so much I want to say, but of course today sucks that out of me.

..........

my point with all of this,
though it will seem disconnected,
is that we can find beauty anywhere. The bus stop was bent up and ragged looking, but the sun shining through the glass and the people who had been there made me remember it fondly.

Don't try too hard, Mark.

Go to sleep.


Haha, I just demand that every moment be a revelation,
when in truth I have no capacity to learn.

I just want to be Winter this year,
and not a list of commands,
functions to be carried out.

Maybe I should just risk everything,
not think about the consequences,
and tell you how beautiful you are.
That you're my favorite person I know,
and that -
well....

perhaps another time.

and so -

be careful what you wish for. I know, they've said it many times. And really...who starts an entry out with such a strong cliche?

Well, this kid apparently.

but its true. One moment you have an idea of what you want and the next you are completely overloaded, and of course with the fact that none of it is concrete. One thing has to crash and burn eventually,

am I a bad person for saying that?
In reality, I don't care much.

you've got three roads to walk down,
no promise of success or anything like that -
just start walking.

ha,
only a theist could be content with such riddles



....what did that have to do with anything?

Samhain

This is the first year I ever officially celebrated Samhain (Sau-un), the pagan holiday that ushers in the dark time of the year, and is for honoring our ancestors. It was a great time. I did it with a heathen twist, so instead of doing what the club does, usually drawing heavily from witchcraft, we did things differently. There was no circle casting, no direction calling, nothing like that.

We ate, talked, laughed, and drank to the memory of those who came before us. We went around and spoke of specific ancestors we wanted to honor, and then boasted of our own achievements. It was great.

Afterward was the best part, however. People slowly started to trickle away and soon it was just three of my friends and myself. I felt like, without any prompting, we all became so honest with each other. We talked about anything and everything that came to mind, whether it was family, relationships, sex, politics, cute puppies, whatever. There were some moments when I really felt sad, to be honest. But it wasn't that the people made me sad, simply that I remembered a lot of things that I have put off thinking about.

After the conversation I realized I learned a lot. We all look for perfection in people, when our conception of it doesn't exist. Nobody can fly, nobody will solve your problems, nobody can be a knight in shining armor. But sometimes perfection does shine through the smokey glass just to remind you that its there,

because sitting and talking with my friends, that moment was perfect.

I think we need to redefine our idea of perfection. We want so much when in truth we have so much in front of us. There are people, as beautifully flawed as we are... what more could you ask for? When we all realize that we will hurt and be hurt, then we can see how sacred our relationships are, how important it is that we treat each other well.

Its a strange and beautiful thing, really.

I will appreciate every fallen leaf,
there is more beauty in them than in anything I could ask for.

How can I not stand utterly and completely in awe?