1:31,
5:14,
6:53,2:27
exhalation.
They are my moments -
soft breath across
these empty craters.
4:17 ...
that I could rest my knees
upon the earth
and sleep,
one
last
time.


Tonight I went on a walk for about three hours, and spoke with a good friend. We talked about specific things, problems we have in common.

I can't keep living in such a way where my main goal is to cater to other people's emotions, needs, wants, and desires. I mean, it is important to be aware and care for other people, but I have to stop putting others one hundred percent before myself.

I have to stop sitting still,
I have to uncross these arms,
I have to find some sort of stability.

No longer can I accept living in limbo, in this floating in between place where I can go no direction because I have no idea where I am.

But, I also have to be careful not to weave the wrong hoops, to sit in the wrong lodges, to do the inverse and think only about myself.



ooooooh -
2:42.

By the way,
all of these numbers are times in Shpongle songs that really resonate with me.

1:31,
5:14,
6:53

these are from the song, 'vapor rumors'

2:27

this is from 'shpongle spores'

and I believe 4:17 is as well.

2:42 is from 'behind closed eyelids.

Vapor rumors
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0ReTmGibNk
Shpongle spores
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jsq8JRUnb2Y&feature=related
Behind closed eyelids
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDVA9Zo9nPw&feature=related


Anyways -

lay it out on the table. Thats what I have to do. All of my tools, my pens and ink, my yarn and needles, my old shoes and my hair ties.

Risk? Absolutely.

But, I have to have an avenue to walk down. I have to have a road to take. It feels as though the only way to build this core, this center, is to start grasping at desires, and this is the one I have now;

to know what on earth is going on.


It is late, and I'm running on free association. But I feel that, at times, when your mind is at its most tired, you realize some of the most interesting things.

Hallucinogens?


Just go a few days without good sleep, and you'll dream while your awake. Not at all healthier, but much more legal.

Sometimes it takes the cold air and the wind to slap you in the face and say

"wake up! get over yourself! MOVE!"

Of course I don't like the cold, on a physiological level. But when you appreciate the cold as part of this great, divine story, you see its use.

But what then? Say the avenue I must walk down is not the one of my choice, as is so often the case?


4:45
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qt2WbfotkU

Then I go on hiatus. How long? I don't know. however long, but I end this search.

It would be a shame,
for this, that I hold, to go to waste. To fizzle.

Or would it? A candle can always be lit again, but if you light it too often it'll burn down and you'll be SOL.

"Someone who appreciates newborn grass."
Emma, you're a genius. And though you said that five years ago, it has remained one of the most true statements ever spoken.

I need to find this tower,
this castle,
this alternative state that is within me.

The beautiful realm hidden behind the vines,
that is comprised of all that is pure, all that is simple, all that is wonderful.

Revelation 21:4
"... and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away... "


From an old book I once read, long long ago.


Fear of chaos? Even plants sprout in the wake of a volcano.