1:31,
5:14,
6:53,2:27
exhalation.
They are my moments -
soft breath across
these empty craters.
4:17 ...
that I could rest my knees
upon the earth
and sleep,
one
last
time.


Tonight I went on a walk for about three hours, and spoke with a good friend. We talked about specific things, problems we have in common.

I can't keep living in such a way where my main goal is to cater to other people's emotions, needs, wants, and desires. I mean, it is important to be aware and care for other people, but I have to stop putting others one hundred percent before myself.

I have to stop sitting still,
I have to uncross these arms,
I have to find some sort of stability.

No longer can I accept living in limbo, in this floating in between place where I can go no direction because I have no idea where I am.

But, I also have to be careful not to weave the wrong hoops, to sit in the wrong lodges, to do the inverse and think only about myself.



ooooooh -
2:42.

By the way,
all of these numbers are times in Shpongle songs that really resonate with me.

1:31,
5:14,
6:53

these are from the song, 'vapor rumors'

2:27

this is from 'shpongle spores'

and I believe 4:17 is as well.

2:42 is from 'behind closed eyelids.

Vapor rumors
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0ReTmGibNk
Shpongle spores
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jsq8JRUnb2Y&feature=related
Behind closed eyelids
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDVA9Zo9nPw&feature=related


Anyways -

lay it out on the table. Thats what I have to do. All of my tools, my pens and ink, my yarn and needles, my old shoes and my hair ties.

Risk? Absolutely.

But, I have to have an avenue to walk down. I have to have a road to take. It feels as though the only way to build this core, this center, is to start grasping at desires, and this is the one I have now;

to know what on earth is going on.


It is late, and I'm running on free association. But I feel that, at times, when your mind is at its most tired, you realize some of the most interesting things.

Hallucinogens?


Just go a few days without good sleep, and you'll dream while your awake. Not at all healthier, but much more legal.

Sometimes it takes the cold air and the wind to slap you in the face and say

"wake up! get over yourself! MOVE!"

Of course I don't like the cold, on a physiological level. But when you appreciate the cold as part of this great, divine story, you see its use.

But what then? Say the avenue I must walk down is not the one of my choice, as is so often the case?


4:45
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qt2WbfotkU

Then I go on hiatus. How long? I don't know. however long, but I end this search.

It would be a shame,
for this, that I hold, to go to waste. To fizzle.

Or would it? A candle can always be lit again, but if you light it too often it'll burn down and you'll be SOL.

"Someone who appreciates newborn grass."
Emma, you're a genius. And though you said that five years ago, it has remained one of the most true statements ever spoken.

I need to find this tower,
this castle,
this alternative state that is within me.

The beautiful realm hidden behind the vines,
that is comprised of all that is pure, all that is simple, all that is wonderful.

Revelation 21:4
"... and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away... "


From an old book I once read, long long ago.


Fear of chaos? Even plants sprout in the wake of a volcano.

Ca't sleep

Can't sleep. My mind is racing, still down these dark and web infested alleyways.

Why am I going to bed so uptight, to paranoid, when today was such a good day? I have this complex, this idea in my head that I have to screw up at least one thing in a twenty four hour period of time. I don't know why. Well....I have a good idea, but we'll leave that in the box it belongs in.

I have every reason to be confident, but I can't muster any up.


It would be nice for somebody, doesn't even matter who, to just call, text, knock on the door or whatever, and say

"Mark, CHILL OUT. its all going to be fine, I promise."

This post is a little pathetic, I have to admit.

alright.

sleep round two.

I guess that forgetting beauty exists is what allows us to appreciate it when we see it.

Perhaps this beauty I feel is fleeting, perhaps it will be gone before I know it.

But I do believe that there is a place in life for instant gratification, and right now I feel just fine.

Nowhere to walk

It's a sad thing, that I only feel myself when I say "Mark, what the hell are you doing?"

The feeling of spring,
as the snow begins to melt.
The knowledge that each beautiful day comes without request.
The scent of orange and grapefruit blossoms as the bloom.
The perfect line of poetry,
the finest painting.
The relief felt in a soft wind,
the hope felt as new grass grows.
The first drop of rain,
and the sun glinting through the last as the light steals a glance from between the storm clouds.
The feeling of laying down to rest,
of a deep and relieving sigh.
The wonder of all things new,
and the comfort of all things familiar.
The joy of starting a new book,
and the satisfaction of finishing it.
The perfect symphony,
and the hush of all who hear it.
A warm, clear night
and a cool, cloudless day.
The vastness of the sea,
the softness of the sand.

Now, if I could only find one of these things. But they continue to elude me.


There is one blazing, glaring, undeniable difference! But lips pursed and chest tightened, Its of no consequence.

Close my eyes, and I'm on Howell Mountain Rd. The trees are moving past me as I go to my favorite small town, pleased to simply be buying bread and sitting in the car.
But to close these eyes, I show weakness. I exude it.

There is simply no road to walk on, yet the path I desire is so simple.

My request
is
so
simple.

Leave it to the Hills. Leave it to the real world, those who wish that life. Leave it to lukewarm water and ice cold sheets.

I'll have none of it, and I refuse to play these stupid games.
The lying,
The faking,
The biting of my tongue for the happiness of others,
All of it.

I know hope that each wall hit, each wrong step, each effort failed gets me closer to where I want to be


I am tired of these glasses, these clothes, these shoes.

Is it so much that I ask to rest in those blankets, but for a moment?

Poetry

I think that for this post I'm going to put up some of my older poetry. All of these were written about a year ago, so keep that in mind.








The appearance
The mist was not reason,
but a child-like abandonment.
O, the giving up
of our former selves.
The archaic cities became
and were gone,
shaded by a full white
breath.
It was then that I saw,
and all amongst them smiled -
The rain fell
from only four feet
above us.


Our place
And at times,
it will wander.
The slow moving
simplicity will
glide through our garden,
tucked away outside,
safe under the beech boughs.
While that faint and fulfilling glory
steals a glance at us from between the leaves
of our trees,
We will be -
and I shall sit with you
upon the earliest of mornings.


Absolute
I would sit there,
felt-moss and
purple leaves,
and feel the earth
in my chest.
That night's storm
of summer's reign
would bring wisdom
as the first
drop
fell.
I step,
and clouds move. . .
a unity without
dialect.

Its hard to believe

That there would be anything to set me apart.

Beyond angry

So apparently having a girl as one of your best friends is a problem. Not allowed. So far since my friend and I have been hanging out we have been accused of;

1. dating.
2. being friends with benefits
3. sneaking around

and other things. Do you know how many of those things are true? zero. that's right. a big fucking zero.

It probably all stems from the time we were at the bar and a guy I know was creepin on her, so I told him we were together. Yes. I lied to get a nasty creepy guy away from one of my friends. Somehow I didn't think that would be a bad thing.

Work is the last place I need things being spread around about me.

Do you know why it makes me upset? Here's why. People can take a lot away from you, but they can't take your honor away. I strive to be an honorable guy, and people are accusing me of being a lech. A pervert. the kind of guy who 'hooks up' with girls when they're sad. Its like everything I set out to work towards was discredited by me having a good friend who happens to be female. There are some things in this life I absolutely do not do. And among cheating (in a relationship, specifically), being cruel towards others, and infringing on the spiritual beliefs of others 'hooking up' is one of those things.


And then, of course, I thought my friend and I getting an apartment would be a good idea. I said to myself, hey, we get along. We're both clean people. We both want a better study environment. Good idea right?

Wrong.

now everybody is going mad crazy over this. I guess I should have seen it coming. Now I have some reservations about it.

Oh, the fact that she HAS A BOYFRIEND who is thinking about living with us is obviously of no value. the fact that I am NOT INTERESTED in her, in the least, beyond a friend is also of no value. But of course, maybe this is all my fault. I joke a lot, about a lot of things, and don't think about the consequences. Maybe I said something that someone mistook for my actual opinions or feelings. But damn, did they run with it.

So now I either continue living on campus, tell her that her friendship isn't worth the drama of getting an apt together (this option won't happen, because I don't betray my friends), or....... those are the only two that I see.


And of course, people at work flap their jaws heedlessly.

The last thing I need right now is someone talking to her (not the friend I'm referring to) and making me seem like a not so great guy.

Because I am a great guy, and I work hard to uphold that.

Four word Letter, Pt. 2

By Aaron Weiss


I wrote a four word letter,
Post-script in crooked lines,
"Though I'd lived I'd never been alive."
And you know who I am
You held my hem
As I traveled blind
Listening to the whispering in my ear,
Soft but getting stronger.
Telling me the only purpose of my being here
Is to stay a bit longer.
? a bicycle chain,
As the handlebars crashed to the ground,
The back wheel detached from the frame,
It kept rolling yeah,
But aimlessly drifting around


Oh Doubters,
Lets go down
Lets go down
Won't you come on down?
Oh Doubters
Lets go down
Down to the river to pray
"But I'm so small I can barely be seen
how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes
they're small in size
but they see enormous things

Wearing black canvas slippers
And our frog-on-a-lily-pad pose
We sewed buttons and zippers
To Chinese pink silk and olive night clothes
If you can someday stop by
Somehow we'll show you the pictures
And fix you some tea
See, my dad's getting a bit older now
And just imaginably lonely

Oh pretender
Lets go down
Lets go down
Won't you come on down?
Oh pretender
Lets go down
Down to the river and pray

"Oh but I'm so afraid
I'm set in my ways"
But he'll make the rabbits and rocks sing his praise
"Oh but I'm too tired
I won't last long"
No he'll use the weak to overcome the strong

Oh Amanda
Lets go down
Lets go down
Won't you come on down?
Mama, Nana
Lets go down
Down in the dirt
By the river to pray

A wick to fit the wax
Wood to fit the wire

You strike the match
Why not be utterly changed to fire?
And sacrifice the shadow in the mist
Of a brief life you never much liked son
If you'd care to come along
We're gonna curb all our never-ending,
clever complaining
And who's ever heard of a singer criticized by his song?
We hunger,
Though all that we eat brings us little relief
We don't know quite what else to do
We have all our beliefs
But we don't want our beliefs
God of peace,
We want you.

interesting, unsure -

Its strange, the way some aspects of life come and go when you least expect them to. You would think that by now I wouldn't be surprised. In any case, I am enjoying the time that is passing.

At this point, I'm not sure where I am supposed to place my next step, although I'm getting an idea.

Regardless.

The sun seemed to shine brighter.

the next four days

During these next four days, I will be focused. I only have two things to focus on. My term paper, and my Chinese project. What has caused this laziness in me, and how can I get rid of it? I don't like it one bit. I think it comes, in part, from my tendency to live in the moment. Sure, I'm going to be overwhelmed with schoolwork...but the sun is shining and the grass looks so inviting! Where can I find the balance in appreciating the world around me but still meeting the standards that I have chosen for myself?

Here's what I think -

I think that even though I have to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow, I'm glad I'll see the early morning.
I think that the cool air during those early hours is more rejuvenating than almost anything I've ever experienced.
I think, no matter how many times I reference the rising sun, it will never get old.
I think seeing the sunlight through the leaves of an aspen tree is more beautiful than almost any painting.
I think that going on a hike and finding a small trickle of water or a creek is one of life's most amazing miracle's.
I think fog rolling over green hills is more wise than any scholar or poet.

And I think that no matter how stressed I am, no matter what situation I am in, no matter where life takes me, as long as a take a deep breath and fall deeper in love with the world round me - then nothing can take any of this away.

wind wind wind

I wish I could focus better. I'm not sure how I'll be able to get everything done that I need to. Yes, it stresses me out a bit but I'm not letting it bog me down. I feel like if I let things get me down I will lose sight of the things I really care about.

I also feel like my writing has gotten bland, unpoetical, and devoid of feeling. I tend to move in these strange phases. There is a poetic, deep thinking Mark of whom I am fond and a boring, lackluster Mark.

Perhaps my view is more outward today,
and my thoughts slow moving ravens leaving their perch.

But in all, it was a good day. In fact, one of the better days I've had in a while.

On an unrelated note, I think We all should take time to appreciate the comma.

Where would we be without our friend ','?
I misuse him all the time.

Sun Hands

I am going to go in search of beauty, this afternoon. I am going to walk these same mundane trails and see the overlooked flowers, the way the birds view the world, the way the leaves move the light. I am going to enjoy each moment, each bold breath. My heart will sit heavy in my chest, saturated with every sacred instant that makes up the day.

The most beautiful colors chase the sun
They wrap her trail in a taunting gesture
That seems to sing out loud,
"this is what you're missing" - Local natives, "sun hands"

As it turns out -

I have never been that nervous in that situation before. completely unlike me. What was I so afraid of? Its almost embarrassing. Unrelated, Kevin is really good at guitar and his lyrics are great.



Too drained.
sleep sleep sleep.

Saying the right thing

I recently spoke to a friend of mine who is going through a very hard time. She came to me for comfort, and I hope I did the right thing. I won't go into her problems as I'm sure she would want them confidential. I told her that everything would be ok, and my beliefs on why that is. here is what I said,

The sun will rise every morning. The wind will blow and the trees will grow. Nature works towards balance, and as long as you don't actively try to fuck that up, you (since you're part of this divine dance we call existence), to will move toward balance. And I believe that in a balanced life, one can truly be happy

I'm talking about more than just 'I will keep plodding along'
I'm saying that you, the sacred being that you are, will find happiness once you realize that you not only deserve it, but that it is part of how life for us works
yes, there are exceptions
Earthquakes in Haiti, world War II, but I have the audacity to think that anyone can find happiness.

I now wonder if speaking from the heart was the right thing. I think its because in retrospect, I realize I made some very bold statements. While I've gone through some very hard times....can I really speak to the hardships of others? If The above is truth for me, then can I assume it is truth for others? I do, currently, believe that everyone can find happiness. But, I must also realize how easy I have it in the life I lead.And I regret the word audacity. It was very "high and mighty" of me. Very self righteous, and I wish I could take it back. I don't want to put myself on a pedestal. I would hate to go down that road.But, I also feel that I did the right thing, in that I told her that she is a worthwhile being, because I believe that we all are.

This entry has an abrupt ending, but only because I have no idea if what I said or did was right.

Love is comfort food for the insecure

This is a phrase I heard earlier tonight, 'love is comfort food for the insecure'. I'm not sure I really agree, but then lets see where I end up! I think it insinuates that only those who have some sort of problem need love. But I don't think of love as a remedy or something separate from us; nor do I think of it as a quick fix or a crutch. To me, love is something intrinsic in every aspect of this world. It is in the air, the soil, the trees, in us. It is as part of the 'system' as water or light. Certainly I think we can choose to ignore it, or twist it around, but for it to be an aspirin for those who have a problem...I'm not so sure.
Recently, I had lost sight of that aspect. About three weeks ago, a four year relationship ended for me and I took it much harder than I thought I would. I was a real downer, to say the least. But then I realized I was looking completely inward. I was focused only on my feelings, my hurt. And in doing so, I was really adding some seriously bad energy to other people's lives. I think that in our current social view, selfishness is almost revered. Self discovery, self fulfillment, inner happiness, we all look so hard for it that we don't see the world around us. I'm not talking about anyone in particular, but the broad average I have noticed. I think that true happiness is found through focusing on yourself, yes, but also acting in love toward others. I realized that me being torn up about the break up was just destroying those around me. So, I decided that I was going to get over it and I did. I was done giving off bad energy to those at my Pagan club and those that I live with.

Things are getting a lot better now.


And after all, how can I be sad as long as the morning sun shines brightly through the leaves?

I Can't help but enjoy soft, simple silence.

I Can't help but enjoy soft, simple silence. The world is such a complicated place, Its nice to step back from all of the noise. They say that our hearing is becoming conditioned in such a way that we are starting to rely on the clear, clean sounds of our highly polished MP3s. All I know is that if I stand outside, or on occasion in the woods, my ears almost hurt with the silence. I can feel it, like mosquitoes crawling and flapping on the sides of my head and yet giving off no vibration. And when you hear a bird leap from the ground and its wings press against the air, its as if an entire symphony dropped every instrument all at once. You feel alone, uncomfortable. Where are the news anchors? Where are the people whose every move is broadcast to millions? Where is the earphone connected to your iPod? Its a scary experience. But if you stand for long enough, you will realize that it is not so quiet. The trees hum with the wind as it glides through their leaves and needles. The air buzzes with tiny insects and you can hear small, furry things crunching though the underbrush. But its what happens inside that is the most tumultuous, the most raging of any storm created by the trail of ants at your feet.

You lose control of your thoughts.

In this time, our thoughts are very guided. With class, television, schedules, and religion, our every thought is herded and shaped. Whether bad or good, I really don't know. I just know that its the way of things. But outside, where the world moves differently, you will lose control of your thoughts. For me, it feels as if the channel that the water of my mind flowed through suddenly becomes a flat plane, an ordinary white surface, and so my thoughts have nowhere to go. It is almost a fight, a struggle. But I find that once I am past this, things become beautiful.

You are,
the trees are,
the earth is,
and in each moment of silence the deity that is your mind becomes manifest in pure, unguided, unfettered emotion.

And for me, that emotion is almost always love.

I am currently at peace, and its a wonderful feeling.

I am currently at peace, and its a wonderful feeling.

It is late afternoon and the air is cool. It moves slowly and carries the scent of the blooming citrus trees here in Phoenix. This is the feeling I am lucky enough to glimpse, and hopefully in the future hold onto.

Today is a beautiful day.