Christmas break 2010

Of course,

its gotta be this guy's fault.

Thanksgiving break, anyone? Does anybody remember that?

Nobody was even sick or getting told there were tons of plans they hadn't heard about. AND, Its not like I didn't say "let me know if you want to hang tomorrow."

Phones go two ways.

Bicycles and their spokes

Moon rises.

Sun rises.

Cycles,
its obvious.

Lets not think that we have outgrown
such an old pair of shoes.

Alright -

Yesterday was my day to be down and out. It was my day to be worried and upset.

But lets be done with that, yah?

After all, I don't want anything to get in the way of drinking coffee on the back porch with dad.

One thing that someone told me,
I can't remember who it was.....
they said this.

"Your problems are a part of you, but they aren't you"

Haha -

I'm smiling,
waking up,
and being greeted by a day that shows a lot of promise.

What was I upset about, again?

A Hot Shower

Steam room
clear water
atrophied hair
warm blanket curtain

the truest things I know
are often the best medicine.

Wormtongue

Stop whispering in my ear,
and saying things that aren't true.

You lie, continually.
But you never leave.

Oh I can sew your mouth shut for a while,
a day.
a month.
a few years.

But you will always tear the thread from your lips,
rear your ugly head,
no matter how bloodied you might get.

And suck every ounce of life out of me.

You lie,
and you lie,
and you lie.
Convincing me without evidence or cause.

"The worrier's disease."

At least we both have it,
I suppose.

Strange, I think.
That it popped up today for the both of us.

I just wish
that my brain
would shut up.

Christmas

I went to Church today. The first time in over two years. The people who I made no attempt to contact were

happy, glad to see me. And, it wasn't fake happiness.

They didn't ask me if I'd lost the lord, or if I had gon astray. They asked me about school, my new girlfriend, and if I was happy to be home.

One woman in particular Gave me a huge hug and said "Mark! You're ALIVE!"

My whole family is over. My mom and sister have been cooking all afternoon,
Baking.
Roasting.
Slicing.
Rolling.

Everybody loved their gifts,
people looked happier than they have in a while.

An observation,
this is all I have to say.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow my Dad will be acting in a play he wrote.
He hasn't done so since the accident.
Today he couldn't remember what he bought Mom for Christmas,
or where she was,
or what he was doing.

I am terrified for him.

Dreams

I had just joined Big Brother Big Sister. There was a little kid, I don't remember his name, and I was supposed to go to school with him to see if he was Okay. I remember the school was heavily decorated for Christmas. There were lights everywhere, huge wooden nutcrackers, and there was Christmas music playing. I turned to the boy and asked him where the bathroom was, and he pointed down the hall. I walked for what seemed like hours and suddenly realized I was in a mall. There were stores everywhere that I didn't recognize, and a daycare that was made of swinging cribs that hung from the ceiling. I still really had to use the bathroom. All of a sudden my friend was with me and we found the bathroom, although we had to go outside in the snow to get to the adjacent building where it was. I let him go first, trying to be polite since it was only a single person restroom. From outside it sounded terrible. I almost vomited. Then once he came out another guy snuck in past me and I had to wait for him. I left in anger and wanted to find somewhere else to use the bathroom. As I was walking down the street (by myself, the friend was gone), I came to a roundabout. It was in a heavily wooded area and there was no crosswalk, but I really wanted to get across. It was empty, except every few minutes a single car would flash by at a deafening speed. I was terrified. Finally I got the courage to run across, but I almost got hit.
I found myself in an Airplane. All of the stewardesses were all wearing lingerie and were very friendly. I remember that while I was certainly more than okay with the beautiful women, I was a bit suspicious of their intentions. All of a sudden the plane started to fall out of the sky and people started jumping out. Instead of parachutes they had parasols...and they obviously all died. Once the plane was low enough to the ground I jumped out and survived. I found myself in a feudal era Japanese camp. I didn't know how to speak Japanese, but then all of a sudden they were ancient Celts. They invited me to join their clan, but first I had to be bitten by a beast in the sea. We all went out into the water and there was a low built wall, with a face carved into it and it had spear heads for teeth. I put my head inside and it clamped down on my shoulder and neck. I screamed in agony but then the face released. All of the Celts started to chant -

"You have survived the beast,
You are now immortal!"

They carried me triumphantly back to the camp, which had turned into a small run down house. I realized that my iPod had been in my pocket and that it was now probably ruined. I put it in front of a fan and it worked fine.

I woke up.

Going for a walk

My skin is a stage -
old newspapers with hands
in their pockets,
words hidden in
the creases.
Snow,
you who hold no identity..
or perhaps you are every man,
created as you are seen.

Snaphsots -

I don't have a camera, strangely enough. Ok...well my phone doesn't count.

I have no idea how to express my thoughts right now,
but I logged on in hopes that I could.

They aren't bad.
....Why the disclaimer?

Its simply this -
It is entirely important to remember, in the deepest part of your bones, the truest moments in your life.

Because the mind is a phantom,
a beautiful and haunting apparition
that leaves me wondering what on earth I am doing.

This time, I'm not sinking in.
This time I'm telling myself the truth.

It's a beautiful December.

10 hours

I'll be honest. There is something sadistic inside of my that takes great pride in waking up at 5:45 in the morning to go to work.

Becoming one of the slow moving 'bleary eyes' to shuffle through Circle K is strangely satisfying. Its a comical camaraderie, when every one stands in line and expresses good mornings before the sun comes up.

And even though ten hours is a long shift, I enjoy it in a way. Not fully, but part of me is proud that I'm not sitting on my ass, mooching money off of my parents and wasting time.

It might not be a great job,
it sure isn't glamorous..
but I'm treated well.
and it's work.
and it's mine.
And it means that I can take pride in myself.

Copper Moon

Phantoms in the forest -
I saw them once,
or twice.
I was lying on the grass
with only your breath to keep
me warm.
A spot of golden
clay in the sky,
and all who saw spoke -
only You and I,
this once,
could hear it.


The birds fly slower,
and the lights go dim,
and I can see the first flake of snow,
each drop of rain explode
on the sidewalk.
Each moment then becomes an eternity,
and I can appreciate it as a lifetime.
Beauty in each instant.


This was perhaps one of the most beautiful moments in my life,

Most of all, I'm glad that I could share it with you.

Sleep well :)

None at all -

No regret in what I said. It felt right, and I'm learning to let my heart guide my actions these days.

I could have waiting, but then why?

No regret in what I said.
Not even a little bit.
None at all.

I opened my door this morning, inviting the cold air to step in for a moment.
The snow trailed in with her and not all the birds were sleeping.

Fox is curled up somewhere,
dormant,
a dull blaze.

I will be building an altar today,
for Yule,
For gladness and cold,
a stepping stone to Beltane.

The earth is beautiful
as its eyelashes
drop
into sleep.

Day two

1. I Try every day to notice the small, pure joys in life. Rushing wind, moving water, saying something nice to someone, etc. I feel like the most beautiful things in life are free.

2. I honor my ancestors through prayer. I truly believe that they are with me, and that they are a part of my every action and thought.

3. I am terrified of becoming a failure. I try to be the best I can, for my sake.

4. I love music from the south, especially old "Appalachian" music, as I call it.

5. I have taken courses in Spanish, Chinese, and French, yet I still hold no proficiency in any language other than English.

6. I lived in France for three months. It was perfect.

7. I am attracted to both men and women. Some people don't believe me, or think I'm making it up to be 'cool'. Why would I do that?

8. I desperately want to move away from Arizona, even thought I love it here (mostly).

9. I truly believe the zombie apocalypse could happen.

And so, there was day two.

So, this is day one.

1. When I nearly lost you on the 60 West, I nearly lost myself. I hate that you were thrown across the freeway by a careless asshole who thought only of himself. I hate that you will forever hold scars that remind us all of selfishness, greed, and fear. But I love that our family pulled together, became stronger, and overcame everything.
2. I am so proud that you are my mother. You can be tenaciously stubborn, but that has been the saving grace for our family for so long. When Dad was in the hospital it was YOU who fought for him, demanded the best care, and quoted Arizona law to the doctors who you caught cutting corners. Without your presence I know for a fact that our family would have fallen apart. Thank you for not leaving dad after his accident, and for loving him the same. If the two of you hadn't lasted, I might have lost faith in love all together.
3. Growing up with you was such an adventure. I miss you terribly sometimes, when I'm alone and I think about how we would play games in the backyard together and how we always had fun. Our arguments have been few and far between. Its funny, you're two years older than me and yet I have always seen you as my little sister. You're all grown up now. Married and working at a preschool. I'm looking forward to seeing you this Christmas.
4. I wish I hadn't made you into a non entity. But I feel like it was the only way I could heal at the time, the only way I could go on. And from that I have learned so much to be my own person, so that in the future I won't feel that way. From you I learned how dangerous it is to base yourself on someone, and how important it is to be my own person. To be Mark. While truly don't miss being with you, and I am so happy where I am now, I will miss having you as a friend. The only person to blame for that is myself.
5. It hurts me when I realize how little faith you have in our friendship. I have been your best friend since we were little. We have gone through so much, and yet it seems that now your belief that I will forget you is forcing it to happen. Yes, I have a new girlfriend. But in no way does she replace you.
6. I am so glad you came to visit! Recording music with you is so fun, even if my brain starts to hurt after a few hours. I love that we connect on music, you're the only other person I know who loves metal as much as I do. I also appreciate that you and I can talk about religion, politics, philosophy.... and also tits. You're one of my best friends for a reason. Thanks, guy.
7. You want to know why we don't hang out with each other anymore? While I care about you deeply, I feel like you see me as an emotional dumpster. Whenever we hang out you just complain and complain, whining about how terrible your life is. And yes, your life is very hard. I would never belittle your hardships, they are very real and I understand that. But at some point you must choose to be better, choose to be happy. The world owes you nothing, so you have to find that happiness within yourself. You are a beautiful person, and you need to learn to see that.
8. Your life is so much better than you realize. Your boyfriend loves you so much, and all of your friends care about you more than you know. I feel like I have given you too much in the past, and so if it seems that I'm becoming distant its only because I know you can do this on your own. You don't need me to baby you. You have so much potential, and I wish you could see that.
9. You thrive on hurting others, and you take joy in saying hateful things. You put on a pretty, innocent mask and then you betray everyone around you. You disappear from people's lives when they become inconvenient, and you have no sadness in respect to the way you treat others. I think its a bold statement to say that anyone is a horrible person, but you might be the closest I've met.
10. I have no idea what I did right to be with you. But know that you are such a blessing, and every moment I spend with you fulfills a part of my being that I hadn't known before. I love hearing you speak, learning from you, and simply being a part of your life. Know that there are moments when I am completely and utterly in awe of you; only your voice has rivaled the beauty of the wind through aspen leaves. I know, I am well aware of the risks involved in falling for you so quickly. But I also understand that this is the only life that I get, that I might die at any moment, and I do not want to lead a life in which I didn't Live. There are things I want to say that I also choose not to say. They are all good, I assure you. Thank you for being yourself, for being you.



And that was Day one.

Photos

Paper grass, dry wind -
smell of crushed seeds in my hand.
Origami eyes.

Thinking about switching -

thinking about switching to another blog website. Here is why.

As far as I know in blogger, you can't embed videos. Or music. Or anything like that, really.

Sometimes I want to update, but I don't have anything to say.

I often speak without saying a word,
empty cans
and tumbleweeds -

Well... That was over dramatic.

The world feels like a very beautiful place today.

I'm not sure why. Maybe its because one of my best friends might be coming up to visit later today, or maybe its because I just finished one of my finals.

I don't know.

But sometimes its best not to question happiness,
once you've chosen it you might as well not
question its arrival.

And its a peaceful thing,
to realize that no matter what
This particular run-through
is precious.

Behind the Vines

Behind the vines
and these eyes are tired -
but content
and at peace.

the earth looks younger
and I have felt it,
as each
word
fell.

The old man is moving

"Moving sale!"

Solid wood furniture
Full mattress with box spring and sheets
bamboo end tables

.50 - $10.00


--

The old man is moving.

In my four months of living here, I couldn't help but become comfortable with him being here. He lives just below and two apartments over. Smoking a cigarette, patting his dog's head, all while under a copper cross and behind the lush red blossoms of his potted plants.

He lives only with his dog. No wife, no children, no friends that I know of. He is always there, on his porch.

I'm sad to see him go. We never spoke. Never waved. Never acknowledged each other.

But we both sat outside, stared at the night sky, and breathed the air.

I like to think that he is going somewhere better. Maybe he has found love in someone, and they are moving in together. Maybe he got a job overseas, and is about to start an adventure in another country. Maybe he just patched things up with his son, and is moving back to his home town. Maybe he and his wife have made amends, and he is hurrying back to the face he had almost forgotten.

Someday I will come out to my porch, and he will not be there. His dog will not be lazily sniffing the plants.

But I will be there. Sitting on the porch. Looking at the night sky. Breathing the air.

You are most honest as you wake up

It is morning.

My fan is the most tenacious beast
I have ever met,
doing its job until
the motor
burns
out.

My skin, unguarded..
rough and bumpy terrain
across my arms and chest
as the cold air kisses me awake.

You who are First Light,
the Gray Morning Sun,

I haven't felt pagan
in so long.

Gaaah

I really can't stand this guy's attitude..

Today at work my friend was talking about how she wishes she could work the 27th, but the shop is closed. All she said was,

"It just kinda sucks since I don't celebrate Christmas, and I never have."

One of the full time workers did NOT like this. He started telling her how she should be grateful, and glad she gets the day off,and how she was being a hypocrite because in the future she would gladly take Christmas itself off, because he obviously knows what decisions she is going to make.

After a while of hearing him puke ignorance from his "moral" high horse, I tried to explain to him what she meant. I didn't really get much of a chance to speak though. He said something to the affect of

"Well you celebrate Christmas...what are you complaining about?"

Truth be told, I DON'T celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Yule, which is very similar. I'll hang out at my friends Christmas parties, but Christmas isn't something I really celebrate. Its not that I wouldn't, I just don't.

But what I was complaining about was his bad attitude, his disrespectful nature, and his unwillingness to acknowledge that some of us want to get an extra ten hours on our paycheck, seeing as how the 27th and the 25th are not the same day.

Of course, this is the same guy who told us how lazy we are, and then proceeded to sit and breath heavily at the break table while the rest of us cleaned out six or seven roller set-ups. Not to mention he randomly disappears for whole shifts and then conveniently shows up when its time to leave.

so....the students who are wanting an extra ten hour day are the lazy ones and you, who have literally slept on the job, are not?

Your logic seems flawed, sir. flawed indeed.

-

I had something planned to write for today -

but its not what I want to write anymore.
It wasn't bad,
just less interesting.

I loved every word you said tonight -
though my tired midnight mind can't begin to explain it.
It was beautiful,
entirely.
And 'beautiful' is a very vast word.

My bed is wider than I had remembered,
and the room is a bit quieter than I thought.
And even though it hasn't lost its beauty,
and I am so glad to lay down to sleep...
I'll be happy when you can return
and I can drift to sleep
with you resting
beside me.

I am doing,
simply -
this gear
a facet
a chain
a sprocket.

Where are your eyes,
oldest earth mother?

I think
its time
to get
into my
car.

The road tells you things
that nobody else can -

Drums

They awaken something within me.

Something deep
and dark,
pagan.

I'm alive,
I'm alive.
Sweet soil,
I am alive.




P.S.

Becca, Glenn, Gean and I were downtown tonight. I took this picture for you, since you were at work. So, yes :)

Tonight -

You make me feel things that I thought were lost,
that I thought I had buried and left.

caring about someone,
like this -
I thought I had forgotten.

Thank you,
for bringing a happiness
I didn't think could return -

I repeat myself, and say the same thing over and over again.

The first fallen leaf of autumn,
sunlight through Aspen trees,
The first blossom to open in spring,
a line of perfectly written poetry -

You are beautiful
in every way.

Refusal

I will not be that man.

The one who looks back and wishes he had tried harder,
who wishes he had taken education more seriously.

I will not stumble while everybody runs off,
starts careers and families,
all while I sit and watch.

I'm horrible at school.
I am.

But if it means that I have to be in college for a few more years,
so be it.

I'll redo classes,
I'll be full time over the summer.

It's a horrible feeling,
failing yourself
and others.

I won't do it.

I won't be the guy who just couldn't quite make it,
while everybody lives out their dreams..

I will succeed.
I will (somehow) figure out how to do better in school.
I will have a family,
and travel the world,
and enjoy life.