Frustration

Gah.

Frustration.

No matter how long I see, It isn't enough. there are so many barriers, I should just give up. But I can't seem to; I know why, of course. Though it isn't rational, in fact one could say nonsensical.

It isn't as though I try very hard anyways,
but when I'm just standing silently I'm in fact deperately trying to sew all my thoughts into one coherant quilt -


I can write out anything,
I just can't seem to speak, or mae anything I write worthwhile.

In truth, the poetry is a crutch. An excuse to say what I want, but to have it just cryptic enough that nobody knows what the hell I'm talking about.

Ink blots on dirty blue rags? Ancient relics? Cracks in windows and ghosts in mirrors?

Mark, that is not an avenue towards good communication.

I simply fear that I will just continue to stand in silence...boring, grey, and neutral. I know that I'm not these things, I have so much to say and to share and to laugh about and to show..but when I try to speak, it turns into dead end stories and stuttering nonsense that causes odd looks of confusion and chuckles of dismissal,

Who wants to be an old man,
filled with regret,
when they are only 22?

But then, my life is an advertisement.

But anyways,
enough of this.

Nothing will change until I am able to find joy in myself, happiness in myself, and fulfillment in the world around me.
Not until I can be perfectly happy will anything make a turn for the better.

Haha, I'm like an old and tired bush trying to make its way through asphalt



I guess it simply boils down to this.
This is just my way of seeing things, right or wrong I don't know.

All of the joy in the day,
all of the beautiful things I have seen,
all of the beautiful people I have met,
all of the happiness that I have felt..
If at the end of the day there is nobody to share it with,
then so what?
It just becomes forgotten as dust on the countertops
and thoughts on a keyboard.