5 months, just less than half of a year. It wasn’t enough for me. I haven’t really gone anywhere. The world is moving, but I am standing still. The wheel turns but I only age inwardly, too quickly.
Sometimes I feel like a bitter old man, filled with regret.
I am only 22 years old.
Its just that, everything in my life is wrong. I’m trying to hold a freight train together with shoestrings and paperclips.
Maybe, while I sleep, you will come and knock on my door. I won’t know who it is, but as I swing it open to see you standing there I will be so happy. And maybe, we will sit on the couch, and I will cook you dinner, and we will watch our favorite shows like we used too. You’ll lean your head on my chest and I’ll kiss the top of your head, closing my eyes as I smell your beautiful hair like I used too. Then we’ll lay and talk about the future, our garden, our dog, our place. And I will hold you close as you say that you love me. I will kiss both of your eyelids as you fall softly to sleep, and just maybe you will be happy. And I won’t be filled with regret, with anger towards myself for it all being my fault, for ruinining everything. And you won’t have forgotten me. And I’ll stay awake, for fear of waking up to a world where I’ve lost you all over again. In this dream I will tell you I love you, forever, because it is true. And I will promise you that I will never leave you, because I could not.
This will be my last entry about her, about you. I know that you’ve found someone else. Someone who is everything I am not, who is better than I am. And I know that he will slowly push me out of your heart, and you will forget me. Perhaps you already have. Whats worst is that, I know I have to forget you, too. I have to forget four years of loving you. I have to forget the beech tree, camp, the joy of your visits over breaks, surprising you at the airport and how you would jump into my arms, the happiness when I was finally with you in Angwin, the excitement of transferring to NAU, our discovery of Paganism together, our walks and playing in the snow, the tunnel we built, the way you would smile, The one time I was able to give you a good gift when I took you to cavalia, everything. I have to get rid of our journal, I have to throw away everything you gave me. I have to forget you, love. I have to forget you. But could Enoch be cast from heaven and be expected to find joy in this place?
I will try to forget you. But I know that somewhere, deep in my heart, there will always be a beech leaf…there will always be you.
I love you so much.
Be happy,
forget me.
1 comment:
Oh, Mark. This isn't your fault.
She didn't choose someone else because you weren't good enough.
You are a wonderful human being with so much to offer the world. Deep inside you, I feel that your soul is smoldering a tiny little flame of strength and faith. Don't let it burn out. Someday someone will help fan the flame to make it shine the brighter. I can help if you reach out to me.
There will be someone for you who will see you as their perfect missing half. I feel it in my heart. Someone with your eagerness to love doesn't deserve to be alone for the rest of his life. It takes time. Maybe you should set your eyes our farther along the horizon instead of where you live.
First, you should love yourself completely. Then slowly, there will be women who are drawn to your flame of compassion and kindness to all.
I have faith in you.
:)
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