Well, tomorrow.

Back to things, to objects, to empty empty empty endeavors.

You know -

you have the power to make me happy.
What I think might be truly happy -


and I don't even think you know it :)

The American Dream

I've never heard it explained explicitly, but I always imagined the American dream to involve carving out a career for yourself via college degree, make a good amount of money, get married and have at least two children, retire young and then die peacefully.

Nothing wrong with that. I just don't care about most of it, really. I mean, I do to the extent of the fact that I don't want to be homeless, but I wouldn't say its my dream. If I had my perfect life, it wouldn't be much different.

If this was an evening in my ideal life, I would be sitting with someone special on the back porch of, well somewhere. There would be birds flitting through tall grass and the sun would be slowly setting. Head on my shoulder and my arm around her, what else would there be for me to want?

"...and we'll follow animal tracks
to a tree in the woods and a hole in the leaves,
we'll see the bright baby eyes of a chickadee"

Post 111.

Today I rode back from Flagstaff with my friends John, Taylor, Kait, and Ben. The 17 was foggy and covered with a thin layer of water - the quieter and more unspoken part of Arizona's polar personality.

The clouds were sitting in the crooks and saddles of each hill we drove past, and each ravine I knew to be only a few feet deep had transformed into an endless abyss, for the illusion of the fog. They were tired, those clouds. Not weary, simply ready to rest. And, the child in my mind likes to believe that they chose to rest with me, as I sat in the car and looked out of the window.

Simply ready to rest. I find that the more I pay attention, more and more The Simple and The Incredible become synonymous. The less I care about what someone at work says, or what grade my teacher gave me, the sooner I can be astounded at the first drop of rain to hit my skin, or the eager moon standing boldly in the blue sky.

But in all of this the lack of someone to share it with, the lack of a say in those conversations about lovers past or interests present, my actions are limited. But, only in a sense. I can't explain.

But you know, whenever I feel an ache at thought of how alone I am, I find myself sitting on my balcony at the apartment. And from there I can see the blue sky, the silvery aspen leaves, and the robin who perches on the railing. Then, although not completely satisfied, I realize that I am not as alone as I thought.

Someday, anyway. Until then -

might be -

I Might be the most boring person alive.

Everyone seems to be vibrant with something -

"The hip-hop afflicted"
"The no holds barred"
"The unafraid and unaware"

I guess I'm too quiet for my own good,
outside of work I suppose.

Anyways,

I think you're amazing.

We talk about taking risks,
ha!

We're all cowards.

bluh

Degenerative.

I'm not sure that's the correct word, but it feels right.

Degenerative.

Fuck these shadows we all walk on-
good lord, I'm tired of being alone.


Cause you've got the walk of a door and I've got the hands of a mouse,

lets just pretend I told you....

You looked beautiful tonight.
You're eyes are by far the most wonderful eyes I've ever seen.
Anytime I make you smile, I feel victorious.
Everything you say is amazing.

Lets pretend I said all that,
and that you heard me,
and that it wouldn't ruin everything.

We all walk on shadows.

Earth

Get me by the big tree, you know. By the creek -
just left of the big rock and the hole
where all the water disappears
into the ground
into a cave
into the earth
into the ocean...

Lets realize this is all one spot.
We don't have to go anywhere else -

So many of us look up,
wondering if that beautiful person,
whoever they are,
is watching the same stars.

But me?
I know that wherever I am,
we stand firm upon the same soil,
from which everything has grown.

Cloak

If you were to take me tonight ...
Yeah I know, I've said it before -
But each chapter on your sharp edge
is someone else's answer
rewritten.
I've looked at your palms before,
or maybe the keys resting there -
yet these thoughts of others,
Oh, consideration -
for now the first will not witness the last.
But, if you were to take me tonight,
'Hair Trigger',
On with all those sleepers stolen before -
I'll say in truth I wouldn't mind,
I wouldn't mind at all.

Why?

why
why
why
why

is this happening to me?

I have done nothing to deserve this,
nothing.

And if it is what it is,
then I am destined

to be

alone.

How can I progress -
move forward,


but its impossible. IMPOSSIBLE.
I know how it happens,
I know how one makes these mistakes.....

and I have not gone down those roads.




...what on earth is going on....

- =-

Your eyes were softer than I remembered,
than I thought they ever had been.
Hair framing an old painting tucked away in my attic
made me forget who I was looking at,
the petal-velvet smile
I had convinced myself was a dream,
tonight,
out of nowhere -
came you who I forgot.

Curse you,
curse you -

Never look at me like that again.

Deep water

Sinking in,

And I'll never truly know.
A year?
Two?

How long do I wait before I choose
not to care
what happens
to another....

The sting just won't leave -

We all walk on shadows.

One

I feel very alone in this moment,



but before we assume we know the word lets push the dark clouds away, and pick the briers out of the lush grass.



There is nothing wrong with it, to feel your thoughts reverberate from the walls

hit and slide down like the freshly falling leaves

during that first day of autumn,

when the cold is cold enough to remind you that you're still here

and yet does not take you.



And, after all...

my guitar is best played when unheard,

and my voice sings out loudest when it is known

that no one is listening.



But,

yet,



There is that bitter powder in the bottom of the cup,

that nagging thought of how undeniably wonderful it would be,

like seeing the sunlight through the last drop of rain,

If it were that I had two eyes,

two hands,

ten fingers,

one mouth,



and yet knowing that there were two of us.

.