Dreads

That isn't a picture of me. Recently I've decided to get dreads, starting this summer. Why? Well, there was a thought process that went into it that I guess I'll explain.

For the past, well forever, I have felt like all of my actions are for other people. It started with My relationship with my past girlfriend, I think. Now, it was a great relationship and I think I learned a lot, but I also thing I conditioned some nasty behaviors. For example, putting her first completely to the point of neglecting myself.

Also, There is school. Now in the long run you really are in business for yourself, but in the immediate sense your college career is comprised of pleasing you're professors and your parents. This is a necessary thing, but that doesn't mean it doesn't add to my feelings of 'giving too much.'

Work, well that's obvious. I've done it a lot in my friendships, and other areas of every day life.

Now, being recently single I realize that in doing so, I have done almost nothing to build a solid framework of "Mark". I mean, I have interests...but that isn't the same as having a firm grasp of what it means to be 'you'.

Recently, I became interested in a girl I know. Very funny, interesting, and beyond beautiful. Plus, lots of fun to spend time with her. But after about two weeks of getting to know her I realized I was in this constant struggle to always be interesting, always be witty, always make her smile...It was tiring. And I realized that it was all the same thing, instead of being myself and thinking of what was best for me, I was working completely to keep her happy. And, as always happens when one tries to hard to do so, I didn't do a very good job.

In any case, I backed off and I think that was a good idea. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed that nothing will develop but lets be honest - neither of us are ready. She because she was hurt by someone else recently, how anybody could hurt her I don't understand. And me, I have to really figure myself out more before I get involved with someone. I mean, how can anybody have a relationship with someone who doesn't really know who they are?

So how does this all relate to dreads? Well, I've wanted them ever since High school. But I never got them because I was always told "your future employers are just going to make you chop 'em off". So there I was, making decisions based on people I didn't even know yet. And to top it all of, every job I have had since would have had no problems with dreadlocks. Interesting.

Now, the dreadlocks aren't going make me reach enlightenment, or answer all of my life questions. But what they will do is represent my first step on becoming the person I want to be, rather that the person that will make other people happy.

I think I am going to go with the 'neglect' method. You can wash your hair, but you just cant brush, comb, or tie it back. Yeah, this method has some downfalls but there is a reason I want to do it. I feel that it will be an almost spiritual journey. Granted, I'm not Rastafarian, not by a longshot, but I like they're Idea. It was explained to me that the reason they use the neglect method is that it is spiritual for them, and the forming of the dreads should happen naturally. I like this idea. I don't want it to just be a fashion thing, but a symbol of me taking these first steps.



So there you have it. Dreads.