Two months

Beltaine at morning,
Air hands tug at soft white robes.
Red chord on our hands.

A beech leaf filters the sun so I can see it,

Wake up.

Be done.

Winter Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK2zRi3Y9AQ

The leaves are falling from the trees
Farewell for now warm summer breeze
Weather has been good this year
Now the winter will soon be here
The nights are drawing into shorter days
I hear the old folk and the country people say
Don’t fear the dark, nature has it all in hand
Time to reflect and renew the tired land

So we’ll stoke the fire and light the lamp
Turn our backs in from the damp
Settle down beneath the starry sky
Endure the winter passing by

I see the frost etched upon the glass
In the morning sun he soon moves fast
But he’ll be back to claim the frozen ground
With each clear day he surely will be found
The geese fly south to find a warmer home
While the weary bull he soldiers on alone
Children’s laughter it crackles in the air
Sparks fly high and they catch them if they dare

So we’ll stoke the fire and light the lamp
Turn our backs in from the damp
Settle down beneath the starry sky
Endure the winter passing by

With carols sung, the trees been taken down
We’ve passed a dram and the bells no longer sound
Snowdrops rise with promise of the spring
There’s talk and wonder
At what the year might bring
The blackbird starts to thicken up her nest
While the early lamb, he takes a snowy step
But the north wind’s grip it tightens with his chill
And holds the buds closed against their will

So we’ll stoke the fire and light the lamp
Turn our backs in from the damp
Settle down beneath the starry sky
Endure the winter passing by

Rough draft

You are only feet away,
child of fog.
Bow and Cello,
Chest and hum.
Your truest form,
in this white-curtain air....
only to blink from
existance.
Watching -
motionless -
I am the cup just out of reach,
dust holding shut my pores -
a photo fallen and yellowed,
home behind the countertops.
Guide me,
this hope,
that the lights I see are the backs of your eyes.
The mist beads upon my lips,
and trembles as I whisper your name..
"Sparrow"

Could be

How does one go about the day, missing someone as badly as this, without even knowing why?

Its a bittersweet thing, really.

It makes colors shine brighter,
and yet the nights seem longer.

It's crazy,
I'm not much of a fighter.

Taking control

I have come to realize that you have to strangle life in order to get what you want,
and I don't like the way it sounds.


But someone has to just get up and say "no, fuck this, I'm going to be happy."


And oddly enough that has to be me.


Music on,
windows rolled down,


some things will always be good.

One More

Just another thing to miss you by -


What the hell am I doing?

My head is a mess,
and I have no idea who I'm speaking to.



I have to imagine that you exist,
regardless of my not knowing anything about you.

Why do I miss you?
There's almost no reason -

I just want to simplify my life.

Awake

Awake.
It is what it is -
and I am that.
So tired of being
under
and controlled.
Eyes closed
and breath taken..
the struggle to get it
back.
Lean in, and I promise
You will find
that I am not there.

Dreads

That isn't a picture of me. Recently I've decided to get dreads, starting this summer. Why? Well, there was a thought process that went into it that I guess I'll explain.

For the past, well forever, I have felt like all of my actions are for other people. It started with My relationship with my past girlfriend, I think. Now, it was a great relationship and I think I learned a lot, but I also thing I conditioned some nasty behaviors. For example, putting her first completely to the point of neglecting myself.

Also, There is school. Now in the long run you really are in business for yourself, but in the immediate sense your college career is comprised of pleasing you're professors and your parents. This is a necessary thing, but that doesn't mean it doesn't add to my feelings of 'giving too much.'

Work, well that's obvious. I've done it a lot in my friendships, and other areas of every day life.

Now, being recently single I realize that in doing so, I have done almost nothing to build a solid framework of "Mark". I mean, I have interests...but that isn't the same as having a firm grasp of what it means to be 'you'.

Recently, I became interested in a girl I know. Very funny, interesting, and beyond beautiful. Plus, lots of fun to spend time with her. But after about two weeks of getting to know her I realized I was in this constant struggle to always be interesting, always be witty, always make her smile...It was tiring. And I realized that it was all the same thing, instead of being myself and thinking of what was best for me, I was working completely to keep her happy. And, as always happens when one tries to hard to do so, I didn't do a very good job.

In any case, I backed off and I think that was a good idea. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed that nothing will develop but lets be honest - neither of us are ready. She because she was hurt by someone else recently, how anybody could hurt her I don't understand. And me, I have to really figure myself out more before I get involved with someone. I mean, how can anybody have a relationship with someone who doesn't really know who they are?

So how does this all relate to dreads? Well, I've wanted them ever since High school. But I never got them because I was always told "your future employers are just going to make you chop 'em off". So there I was, making decisions based on people I didn't even know yet. And to top it all of, every job I have had since would have had no problems with dreadlocks. Interesting.

Now, the dreadlocks aren't going make me reach enlightenment, or answer all of my life questions. But what they will do is represent my first step on becoming the person I want to be, rather that the person that will make other people happy.

I think I am going to go with the 'neglect' method. You can wash your hair, but you just cant brush, comb, or tie it back. Yeah, this method has some downfalls but there is a reason I want to do it. I feel that it will be an almost spiritual journey. Granted, I'm not Rastafarian, not by a longshot, but I like they're Idea. It was explained to me that the reason they use the neglect method is that it is spiritual for them, and the forming of the dreads should happen naturally. I like this idea. I don't want it to just be a fashion thing, but a symbol of me taking these first steps.



So there you have it. Dreads.

evening

Cold air,
I am alive.
Heaving chest,
I am alive.
Sore eyes,
I am alive.

short post for today, but that's alright